#297: South Africa: Stella's office

Minister of Public Works Stella Sigcau wanted to remodel her
office, so she invited different contractors for tenders. One was
from Johannesburg, one from Durban and the last one from Soweto.

"OK, gentlemen, nice job I want," she said, "Let's hear from Jhb?"

The guy took out his ultrasonic measuring device and tablet computer
and began measuring, scrawling on the computer, calculating.

Eventually: "R90,000, Madam Minister," he said.

"That seems like quite a lot of money! Why R90,000?"

"You see," he replied, "that's R40,000 for material, R40,000 for
my guys and R10,000 for my profit".

Stella seemed OK with that and turned to the Durban contractor.
"So how much do want to do the job?" she asked.

The Durban fella took out a rusted tape measure, broken clipboard
and a blunt pencil. He took some measurements, scratched some
calculations on the back of his Rothmans 30s box and came up with
a figure of R70,000.

"That's interesting," said Stella, "explain the R70,000!"

"Simple, Madam Minister, I got a brother-in-law in the hardware
trade, so that's R30,000 for materials, R30,000 for me, and R10,000
for my profit and all."

Stella was amused but happy to accept the explanation.

Then she asked the Soweto contractor for his quotation.

He just smiled, looked the minister in the eyes and said, "R270,000!"

"Yoh Yoh Yoh!... How did you come to that amount without even taking
your measurements? What is that amount for?"

"That's R100,000 for me & R100,000 for you!" he replied.

"And what about the remaining R70,000?"

"We hire that guy from Durban to do the job!!!"

[ Lifted off the net ]

Without geometry, life is pointless.

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#296: South Africa: Taxi warfare

This is a story of a guy in Joburg and his trip back home from canoe
training - really good, read on... it made my day!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

This morning, yours truly decided to sneak in a pinch of top-secret
and highly professional canoe training at Emmarentia dam, before the
first farts of sparrows could escape their imprisoning sphincters, and
even before the glories-of-mornings of most non-gay South African men
could rise to view the possible prospects of 'before work' swims.

Yep, I was up and onto that little patch of water before sunrise,
tearing around it at record-breaking pace, sneaking in a wee bit of
pre-Duzi training, in order to wrestle the crown away from the well
slow and soft Martin Dreyer (present Duzi champion, for those of you
not in the intellectual canoe mix) next time around. Anyway, the details
of my incredible canoe talent are not up for discussion here, but rather
what happened on my drive home after the session, in rush hour traffic,
and in particular, on Jan Smuts Avenue near to the Old Parktonian sports
club around 8am.

I was happily chilling in my car, cruising along at about 60kph, in
pretty much bumper-to-bumper traffic, with nobody going anywhere any
faster, it was simply not an option. Well, not an option for anyone
with a brain, with an ounce of logic within their crania, with a drop
of sense inside the membranes of their cerebral hemispheres. You'd
think that a creature without a brain would equate to a fly or less,
a category that includes mosquitoes, stones, anvils and ....... muntu
taxi drivers. Yep, enter Sipho "I'm a dickhead without a brain cell"
Nshlovo, driver of a Toyota Hiace - 4 wheels, 1 brake pad, no lights,
half a steering wheel, about 30 muntus inside and 3 masking-taped
windows... yep, standard issue for a South African taxi driver.
He had more than likely participated in the demonstration march last
month with hundreds of other muntu taxi driver idiots protesting about
having had their 'vehicles' impounded for not being roadworthy, the
rocket-scientists couldn't understand what wasn't roadworthy about a
taxi with a bobejaan spanner for a steering wheel, or one without
brakes (they reckon a handbrake is just as good as the foot brake pedal).

Anyway, my mate Sipho decided things weren't flowing fast enough for
him, so he started weaving in and out of the traffic, arm hanging out of
his window like a baboon's tail hanging from its ringpiece (I'm certain
his armpit smelt like no different, he was sweating like Bruce Fordyce's
crack after 90km's on the up run of the Comrades).

I heard this aeronautical engineer-like taxi driver coming from about
5 cars back, because everyone was hooting and slamming on brakes to
avoid the accident that he was trying his damndest to cause. After he
narrowly missed the back of my canoe as he swerved in behind me, I made
a stubborn little vow that he DEFINITELY wouldn't be cutting in front of
me like that, and so began the fun and games. The bum-wart first tried
the standard tactic of intimidation, just gradually cutting me off, in
the typical "you'd better slow down and let me in, or I'll crash into
you" method. Well, I used the typical "Fuck you faeces-brain" tactic,
with one hand on the hooter, the other pointing straight at him, with my
foot firmly on the accelerator, until he backed down like Mike Catt had
done in 1995 when Jonah Lomu ran straight over him.

This had a snowball effect, which had me chuckling the whole way back
to my humble abode. Syphilis-face then decided to put all his well-
acquired driving skill to the test, and adopted the smartest technique
of them all, the "Eish, I weel ovah-take on the wrong side" method, one
that sadly has caused numerous accidents in the past, including the
untimely death of one of our awesome mates, Mike Short, a year ago.
This made old Maccatini madder than a spitting cobra, with a red hot
cactus lodged up its rectum.

No skin off the fucking reverse-evolution-model's nose, he just
accelerated more, and tried to cut in front of the double-cab in front
of me, this after he had hooted at me and showed me a middle finger
accompanied with a few swearwords, something that made me want to beat
him harder than Campbell hit the gay boy who stabbed him repeatedly
with a pen all those years ago!

Well, the fella in front of me had obviously also been observing the
proceedings, and likewise refused to let Sipho Dickdribble Nshlovo in,
so the acceleration by the monkey continued, while he tried his hardest
to outstare the double-cab driver. Sadly for the nuclear physicist, the
emergency lane was shortly going to an end, with a solid stone pavement
to mark its ending. More sadly for him was the fact that he, and his
30-odd passengers were all trying their damndest to "intimidate by
staring" at myself and the double-cab man, instead of watching the road
ahead (something that most brain-owners do when driving).

I saw it coming, and was smiling my full-tusk smile even before they hit!

Anal-bum-wart hit that pave-munt at about 70kph, 31 muntu's bumped their
heads on the roof of the hi-ace in poetic unison, adding an extra
31 dents to the already-fucked minibus, and the two front wheels were
ripped off the chassis as the bus slid to a delightful halt on the
pave-munt (a place where muntus can be). Thankfully no passengers were
hurt, which made it the most fantastic thing to witness, sadly though,
Sipho, arm still hanging out of the window, was also unscathed.

However, his car was more fucked than that prostitute at PE harbour
named Deloris, and his mood was somewhat down-trodden.

I hooted and made sure he got the full-frontal of my biggest-ever super
smile, as did the driver of the double-cab, and then to my absolute joy,
looked in my mirror to see every driver behind me doing exactly the same!

The brain-cell-lacker had received his well-earned treatment! I was
happier than Hudders when he passed his board, or at least as happy!!

So folks, what a peachy morning it has been so far.

The sun is shining, it's Friday, I've done my training, Long Tom Roodt
is back in the country, there will be a lot of thirst quenched this
weekend, and Sipho Faeces-face Nshlovo is one mini-bus short of a taxi!

Now that is justice...

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[Text contributed by Peter]

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#294: South Africa: The perfect job

Sipho walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up
to the counter and said, "Eissssh, I hate it to be drawing welfeh.
I would reely rather find a johb."

The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is just amazing.
We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur / bodyguard for his young daughter. You'll have to drive
around in a big black Mercedes, the suits, shirts, and ties are
included. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also
be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady
on her overseas holidays. The salary package is R200,000 a year."

Sipho exclaimed, "Eissssh, you are bullsheetting me, baba!"

The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it, Bru!"

[Contributed by Peter]

One settler - one bulletin board!

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#293: South Africa: Your tax rands at work

There are these two guys working for the municipality. One would
dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked furiously all day without rest; one guy digging a hole,
the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand
what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the
effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig
a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."

"The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Eish, normally we are
a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today!"

[Contributed by Peter]

"Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall..."

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#292: South Africa: How the commandments came to be ten

God went to the Zulus and said,
"I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

And the Zulus asked, "What are Commandments?",
and the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Xhosas and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Xhosas wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."

So He went to the Coloureds and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Coloureds wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."

He went to the Muslims and said, "I have Commandments."
The Muslims wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Thou shalt not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

He went to the Indians and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take ten."

[Contributed by Peter]

God created the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.

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#291: South Africa: Found on Mpumalanga hospital charts...

The new South Africa battles a bit with English. Mpumalanga, in
the old North East Transvaal, is a busy and vibrant province.

"Actual" writings on an Mpumalanga hospital chart

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[Contributed by Peter]

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

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Support the Bokke!

#227: The wife's accident

Mr. Tshabalala gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife has
been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to Baragwanath Hospital and,
as soon as he gets there, he identifies himself and is told Doctor Mtolo
is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting
room to see a terribly upset Mr. Tshabalala.

"Mr. Tshabalala?" the doctor asks.
"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's
accident resulted in two fractures on her spine."

"Oh my God!" says Mr. Tshabalala, "what is the prognosis?"
"Well, Mr. Tshabalala, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is
inoperable. She'll have no motor skills whatsoever. This means you will
have to feed her."

Mr. Tshabalala begins to sob.

"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent
pneumonia."

Mr. Tshabalala begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her
as she'll have no control over her bladder and obviously these diapers
must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Tshabalala begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her faeces on
a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter either.
Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course
you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid
effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Tshabalala is convulsing uncontrollably and beginning to wither
off the bench into a sobbing and pitiful mess.

Just then, Dr. Mtolo reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Tshabalala on
the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just playing with you, man! Relax, she's dead!"

[Contributed by Peter]

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#203: One day, at an LAX airport bar...

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Los Angeles noticed a beautiful young
woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous
she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:
"Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself,
"Guess she doesn't work for Delta".

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her
again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same blank look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the United slogan: "I would really love to fly your
friendly skies?"

This time the woman turned on him, "What the fuck do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said...
"Ahhh, South African Airways!!!!"

[Contributed by Peter]

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#193: South Africa: The Taxi

Many taxis on the roads of South Africa look as if they're only good
to be towed away. Well, the taxi drivers themselves have realised that.

The following apparently really did happen in the Natal Midlands.

A traffic officer observed a minibus taxi with passengers towing
another minibus taxi, also packed with passengers, along the N3.

An hour later the same taxi returned in the opposite direction along
the N3 towing the same vehicle packed with passengers.

Another hour passed and the officer observed the same sequence of
events.

He eventually pulled the taxi off the road and inspected both vehicles.
To his amazement, he found the taxi being towed did not have an engine,
but was being used as an extension of the first one.

[Contributed by Martie]

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#192: South Africa: TV & Murder

Only In South Africa...

Just the other day I got fined R1,000 by the TV licence inspector for
not having a TV license. Then I heard about this other guy who got out
on bail for R500 after being arrested for murder!

Moral of the story:

If you don't have a TV licence and the inspector comes round: KILL him!
You can save R500!

[Contributed by Peter]

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#191: South Africa: Lawyer Gatiep

Gatiep grew up in Tafelsig, Mitchell's Plain, an average suburb of Cape
Town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to
come back to Mitchells Plain because he could be a big man in Tafelsig.
He really wanted to impress everyone, so he returned and opened his new
law office there.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make
a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to
the door Gatiep picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all while
talking.

"No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't
settle this case for anything less than one million."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll
be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will
provide support. Okay. Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with
him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the
man sat patiently as Gatiep rattled instructions.

Finally, Gatiep put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can
I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from Telkom, I've come to connect your phone."

[Contributed by Peter]

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#190: South Africa: Kaapse Liefdesbrief

SA LOVE POEM - KAAPSE STYL

Valentine, oh Valentine,
I smaak you stukkend, say you'll be mine.

You're my morning, my sunshine, my moon and my stars,
You're my air freshener from the OK Bazaars;

You're my beaded love-letter, my breeze in the night,
You're my coffee, my Cremora, my Blitz firelight.

You're my Crime-Stop, my Tracker, you're my AZT,
My pap, Mrs. Ball's chutney, my Nando's for free.

You're my lambchop, my dewdrop, my partner in crime,
My chillie, my pepper, my vetkoek sublime.

The list is just endless and this isn't all,
You're my Lotto jackpot, my dop and my zol.

You're my 4X4 when the road is so hilly,
You're the Floro margarine that butters my mielie,

I smaak you, my poppie, so please be my wife,
'cause, Babe, you're the Tomato Sauce on the slap chips of life.

[Contributed by Susanna]

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#189: South Africa: Life in Johannesburg

You know you live in Johannesburg when...

1. The person in front of you in traffic this morning was hijacked and
you got irritated because you missed the robot [traffic light].

2. While eating dinner a news item comes on TV about a family of six
slaughtered in their home, and you ask someone to pass you the salt.

3. You never think of taxis in terms of 'public transport'.

4. You have a minimum of five worst-taxi-stories.

5. While waiting at the ATM, the bank is robbed by armed gunmen - but
you'll be damned if you're going to lose your place in the queue.

6. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

7. The last time you drove your car without swearing at someone was
when you took your driving test.

8. It takes you an hour and a half to drive 5km to work in the morning
and you think "Wow, good traffic day".

9. Every time you find your car parked where you left it you are
genuinely surprised.

10. You've never been to Melville or Rockey Street but love Sandton City.

11. You can get into a four-hour argument about the quickest way out of
Sunninghill after work on a Friday but can't find Boksburg on a map.

12. Prostitutes and the homeless are invisible.

13. You have more barbed wire around your home than Diepkloof Prison.

14. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

15. You consider a postage-stamp sized patch of grass a garden.

16. Midrand is regarded as the 'country-side'.

17. You happily pay R3500.00 a month for a 'townhouse' in the north the
size of a cupboard, but R3.50 for a loaf of bread is a disgrace.

18. The last time you visited the coast you paid more in accumulated
speeding fines than you did for the entire holiday.

19. Your monthly car insurance is more than most of the people in SA's
car repayments.

20. What are stars?

21. You own hiking boots and a 4WD, neither of which have ever touched
dirt.

22. You have 20 different menus next to your phone.

23. SA south of the Vaal is vaguely theoretical to you.

24. You can carry R350 worth of groceries in one plastic bag.

25. You don't hear the gunfire anymore.

['nother classic submitted by Susanna]

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#145: Christmas: The politically-correct party

A CHRISTMAS PARTY IN THE NEW SOUTH AFRICA

========================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 12
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at
the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of Oupa's mampoer
for free!

We'll also have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free
to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts
among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be
over R10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

========================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees 13
DATE: December
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still
celebrating Reconciliation Day.

However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
There will be no Christmas tree present and no Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

========================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table... You didn't sign your name!

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
table that reads "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchanges are allowed since the
union members feel that R10.00 is too much money and executives believe
R10.00 is very little for a gift.

NO GIFT EXCHANGES WILL BE ALLOWED!

Patty

========================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 15
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are!

I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan,
which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the
party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does
not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House
can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else
package everything for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag.
Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest
to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other (Yes, there will be a flower
arrangement for the Gay men's table). Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each will have their own table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing
allowed though!

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control
the salt used in the food, we suggest for those people with high blood
pressure to taste first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant
cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.

Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

========================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 16
RE: HolidayParty

So December 22 marks the Summer Solstice... what do you expect me to do,
a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at the Grill House prohibit
the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees,
but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the
band's breaks.

Okay???

Patty

========================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
Date: December 17
RE: HolidayParty

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress
up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit." It's a tradition, folks, like boerewors at braais or broken
hearts on Valentine's Day.

Could we lighten up? Please?????????

Also the company has changed its mind in making a special announcement
at the gathering. You will get a notification by e-mail and in your
pay slip after we have discussed it with the unions.

Patty

========================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$ing Employees
DATE: December 19
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^ Holiday Party

I have no #%&*ing idea what the announcement is all about. What the
#&^!@ do I care ... I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!!

You change your e-mail address now and you're dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No
more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in
and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the
warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! Salad bar, including
hydroponic tomatoes. But you know they have feelings, too. Tomatoes
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right now! HA!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear
me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

The B I t c h from HELL!!!!!!!!

========================================================================

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 20
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards
to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to
cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

========================================================================

[Contributed by Mark]

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