#145: Christmas: The politically-correct party
A CHRISTMAS PARTY IN THE NEW SOUTH AFRICA
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 12
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at
the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of Oupa's mampoer
for free!
We'll also have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free
to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts
among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be
over R10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees 13
DATE: December
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still
celebrating Reconciliation Day.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
There will be no Christmas tree present and no Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table... You didn't sign your name!
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
table that reads "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchanges are allowed since the
union members feel that R10.00 is too much money and executives believe
R10.00 is very little for a gift.
NO GIFT EXCHANGES WILL BE ALLOWED!
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 15
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are!
I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan,
which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the
party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does
not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House
can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else
package everything for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag.
Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest
to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other (Yes, there will be a flower
arrangement for the Gay men's table). Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each will have their own table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing
allowed though!
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control
the salt used in the food, we suggest for those people with high blood
pressure to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant
cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 16
RE: HolidayParty
So December 22 marks the Summer Solstice... what do you expect me to do,
a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at the Grill House prohibit
the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees,
but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the
band's breaks.
Okay???
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
Date: December 17
RE: HolidayParty
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress
up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit." It's a tradition, folks, like boerewors at braais or broken
hearts on Valentine's Day.
Could we lighten up? Please?????????
Also the company has changed its mind in making a special announcement
at the gathering. You will get a notification by e-mail and in your
pay slip after we have discussed it with the unions.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$ing Employees
DATE: December 19
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^ Holiday Party
I have no #%&*ing idea what the announcement is all about. What the
#&^!@ do I care ... I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!!
You change your e-mail address now and you're dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No
more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in
and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the
warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! Salad bar, including
hydroponic tomatoes. But you know they have feelings, too. Tomatoes
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right now! HA!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear
me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
The B I t c h from HELL!!!!!!!!
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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 20
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards
to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to
cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
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[Contributed by Mark]
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