David Bullard considers taking more wives.

JOHANNESBURG - I'm thinking of taking a couple of extra wives this
year. I got the idea from the president himself and I think it's
brilliant. It's a bit like having different cars. For example, I've
got a double cab bakkie to take garden stuff down to the dump and to
go on fishing trips . I've got my gayboy Mazda MX5 which is great for
zipping around town and going off to choose curtain fabric and I've
got a much more sensible MPV with five comfortable seats and a large
loading bay. That's perfect for going on holiday packed with stuff and
meeting people at the airport.

Currently my first wife drives that as her everyday vehicle but she
may have to drive the bakkie if subsequent wives want to drive the
MPV. Of course, this doesn't include the procession of test cars
delivered to the old homestead, ostensibly to be driven and evaluated.
This week it's an Audi Q7 and unless I misheard the phone message
there should be a Ferrari on the way.

I have always been under the impression that polygamy is illegal in
this country but maybe I was confusing it with bigamy. Obviously it
can't be illegal because the president has just got married again and,
as we know, nobody is above the law in this country. There will be
those who will try to argue that it's a Zulu cultural thing but that
doesn't really convince me. For example, it's a cultural thing for my
lot to ride around on horses hunting foxes but that's not even allowed
in England. And it's a proud South African tradition to drive drunk
but surely that doesn't qualify as a cultural right?

What is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander and if President
Zuma can have multiple wives then so should the rest of us be allowed
to should we so choose. The fact that the SA taxpayer may not be
meeting the bills for our second, third and fourth wives may influence
many people's decision to lead a life of polygamy but what the heck.
The great political pundit and restaurant reviewer Justice Malala
often writes about his "lovely wife" when he attempts to describe to
us what he has been blowing his Financial Mail expense account on. I
hadn't thought much about this until this weekend but maybe Justice is
also a polygamist and mentions his "lovely wife" every week to
differentiate her from his other, less lovely, wives. Although I
imagine wives number 2/3/4 would probably get a little miffed at wife
number 1 being referred to as "lovely" while they never warrant a

This then is the essential difference between multiple cars and
multiple wives. Cars don't get jealous but wives do and it is a
demonstration of his diplomatic mastery that Jacob Zuma has been
through this before and will almost certainly get married a few more
times. Maybe he does it for the wedding presents.
The obvious problem with polygamy (a bit like cars actually) is you're
bound to have a favourite wife. One you want to drag to the marital
bed for some energetic rumpy pumpy on a regular basis. So what do you
do with the others as they sulk in the sewing room, mending the holes
in your leopard skin underpants? Do you promise them the same
treatment at some vague distant date in the future or do you fob them
off with a promise that they will attend the next opening of
parliament? Tiger Woods would probably have a solution for this but he
has more experience at playing 18 holes then the rest of us. For the
average male polygamist it's a problem.

Then imagine what it must be like driving from KZN to Pretoria with
three map reading wives in the car. As all men know, one map reading
wife is bad enough. They have to hold the map upside down because
that's the direction the car is traveling. Which means that they can't
read the street names and that eventually ends in disaster and lots of
yelling. The sat-nav has saved many a marriage, even if it is a
woman's voice telling you where to go. I have programmed mine to speak
in Italian because being told that you're off route and need to do a
U-turn sounds much more erotic in Italian.

Then there's the problem of meals. Which wife cooks the food?
Obviously the hot wife is excused culinary duties because she needs to
preserve her energy for the bedroom but do the three other wives all
prepare a separate dinner and then get upset when you choose one over
the other? Or do they all resign themselves to the fact that "hottie"
is tonight's choice yet again and just get on with preparing the food.
Which means you also need to employ a food taster because with one
happy and three unhappy wives it's only a matter of time before one of
them accidentally adds hemlock to the recipe.

No, I think that after much consideration maybe I won't proceed with
the polygamy plans after all. Forgetting one wedding anniversary is
difficult enough. Can you imagine what it must be like forgetting

*After 24 years as a trader in the global financial markets David
Bullard decided to opt for an easy life and became a journalist. His
iconic "Out to Lunch" column has been running for 15 years and is as
offensive as ever. Not that he gives a damn...

Fwd: The difference between USA and RSA


[Fwd: Sandile Memela - Department of Arts & Culture]

Sandile Memela is an author and chief director for Marketing &
Public relations at the Department of Arts & Culture. He writes
in his personal capacity.

For almost 30 years I have debated the subject of matric results with
many different people from different walks of life. One thing that
strikes those with eyes to see is that white students continue to
dominate and outshine the ranks of matric super-achievers followed by
so-called Indians.

There is a perception that African students are the worst performers.

If you look at the faces of smiling and happy pupils who have
obtained more than six distinctions in matric this year, they are mostly

Of course, that tells us something not about who has superior
intelligence but who is willing to put their shoulder to the wheel.

After all, the greatest determinant of how many distinctions a
student is going to get at the end of the year is the amount of work
they are willing to put in.

One thing that has struck me over the last 15 years is that
African students seem to be more interested in song, dance, fashion
and booze than self-discipline, focus and hard work.

Of course this is a generalisation that makes the innocent suffer
but one needs only visit festivals, nightclubs and other places of
entertainment to find out which direction African students channel their

The reality of the situation is that white and Indian pupils are
too few a minorities for them to dominate matric results.

It is time that we asked a hard question of African students: how
long are they going to depend on affirmative action to make headway in life?

Of course, it is a justifiable government policy to demand that
tertiary institutions make special provision for African students to be
enrolled at universities. But who should be given special treatment
between a super-performing white student and a time-wasting African
student with low marks?

I would be wary to answer, without any reservation, and with the
deepest conviction of my heart and soul that the opportunity should go
to an African student.

It is time that special focus was put on matric results and the
performance of African students at high school level and beyond.

Since 1994 African students have had the power to choose to be
great super-achievers or mediocre talents. Their parents and government
continue to make huge sacrifices, huge amounts of money for them to
attend the best former whites-only schools under the best conditions.

It is just an excuse for us to accept that African students face
racism, victimisation and that we continue to blame white teachers and
principals for their poor performance.

Fundamentally, African students are the product of what they choose
to be. Their matric results have very little to do with their genes or
the upbringing and environment they live in.

Certainly, the issue of language, genes and culture, if you like,
often influence how students learn but this does not predetermine their
results. The excuse that African students are so-called Historically
Disadvantaged Individuals has been bandied about for far too long, now.

The essence of the difference in matric results between White,
Indian and African students is simply a matter of self-discipline, focus
and hard work.

It is time more was demanded of African pupils rather than encourage
them to continue to believe that they future is secured simply because
of their skin colour.

This whole attitude of entitlement makes it easy for conservatives
to say that affirmative action is reverse racism. African pupils make
choices based on the values they learn from their families and communities.

African leadership and management at family and institutional
level is, largely, a product of a culture of entitlement. This misleads
the youth. The ability of pupils to reinvent themselves and surpass all
expectations in matric performance is what this country needs,
especially from African youth.

The best gift that the white and Indian youth have given this
country is the example of focused, disciplined and hard working young

Let us not discriminate against them, later, to make way for African
youth who are not a source of pride for this nation. It is time that
merit and a willingness to work harder were the new criteria to decide
who gets an opportunity in the New South Africa and who does not.

African pupils must choose whether they want to succeed or perish as

If they choose the latter, they must face the consequences of their
own choices. The future of Africa deserves better quality leadership
than our youth are putting on the table.

Fwd: Noah in 2010

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in South
Africa, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.  Build another Ark
and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the plans, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I
will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -
but no Ark.  "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "But things have changed. First, I found
that I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about
the need for a sprinkler system at numerous lunch-meetings.

My neighbours claimed that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by
building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the Metro Council for a decision, -- only at their next
Break-away session!

Then ESKOM demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power
lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's
move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they
would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees
because the Nature Conservation authorities say it will upset the balance of
the local ecological system.  I tried to convince them that I needed the
wood to save us all from extinction - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the SPCA prosecuted me. They insisted
that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so
many animals in a confined space.

The traffic authorities said it would take six months after completion of
the ark to plan a route to the sea. I told them also that the sea would be
coming to my back yard. The Metro Police threatened to have me committed.

Then the Department for Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
until I had arranged and conducted an environmental impact study on your
proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the BEE group on how many
affirmative action persons I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

The Department of The Internal Affairs has insisted that I provide
them with a list
of the people who want to work so that they can check that they are not from
the non designated group. COSATU say I can't use my sons. They insist I have
to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, SARS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to
leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord,
but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not
going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The SA Government has beaten me to it."


Fwd: Inflasie in die nasie...


[Fwd: Knife vests?]

Johannesburg - World Cup organisers on Monday denounced a company
advertising anti-stab vests for fans at the June soccer tournament in
South Africa, accusing them of trying to make money from scare tactics.
The British company's website (www.protektorvest.com) advertises
anti-stab vests for $69.95 and says they can be decorated with
customised slogans or team colours. As part of its pitch, it quotes
crime statistics on South Africa, which has one of the world's highest
rates of violent offences.

Offering "free delivery to your hotel in Johannesburg/Pretoria during
the World Cup 2010" and their own collection point would suggest someone
with local connections is using scare tactics to market what appears to
be a substandard and useless product anyway (honestly, what do you
expect for 70 bucks)?

The only thing it'll be good for is to keep you warm: The World Cup is
being held when it's winter in South Africa.

[Fwd: Woman driver "allegedly" beaten by cop]

By Nompumelelo Magwaza and Yusuf Moolla

A Camperdown woman fleeing a man she believed might be a hijacker drove
to a police station for safety. But instead of finding refuge, she was
assaulted by her pursuer, who turned out to be a traffic officer, while
police stood by and did nothing.

To add insult to injury, the woman was then arrested by Camperdown police.

Farmer PJ Ward said his wife, Jude, was driving in the fast lane along
the N3 from Pietermaritzburg when a man in a white unmarked twin-cab
bakkie tried to pass her. As she tried to move from the fast lane, the
man placed a blue light on the bakkie's roof and chased after her.

Suspecting a hijack attempt, Ward said, his wife decided to drive to the
Camperdown police station because she thought she would be safe there.

"My wife could not move immediately from the fast lane, so the man in
the bakkie put up his blue light and pressed behind her. After she
moved, the man wagged his finger at her. She decided to stop at a nearby
police station for safety."

However, said Ward, instead of receiving the protection she sought, his
wife was *assaulted in front of police officers*.

"When she got off her car, the man, who was wearing a brown traffic
officer's uniform, attacked her by grabbing her neck and pushing her
into the ground. He jumped on top of her and grabbed her bag. All of
this happened in front of police officers, who just watched."

He said the man, believed to be a member of the Road Traffic
Inspectorate's public transport enforcement unit, told his wife, while
on top of her, that she should look at his uniform and obey his orders.
He said the man weighed about 120kg and was in his thirties.

"He choked her and banged her head on the ground. These officers are
supposed to protect the public, but instead they use their positions to
show that they have power and should be feared," said Ward.

He said his wife was traumatised by the assault and even more shocked
when she later ended up behind bars for not obeying an officer's orders,
while the traffic officer went unpunished.

"What is wrong with the law enforcers in this country? My wife was only
trying to find a safe place to stop so that she could talk to this man;
instead, she was attacked."

Ward said his wife was checked by a doctor for internal injuries. She
was released on a warning to appear in the Camperdown Magistrate's Court

"Jude had bruises to her neck and arms, and was bloodied as well," he said.

"For 30 years I loved this country with all my heart, but now all I want
to do is leave. I am tired of living in fear, not only of criminals, but
of police brutality as well," he said, adding he was determined to
return to Ireland.

He said he would contact the Irish embassy to report the matter and seek
its assistance in leaving the country.

* *This article was originally published on page 1 of **The Mercury*
<http://www.themercury.co.za/>* on January 19, 2010 *


Fwd: Tigershark warning for Fish Hoek


[Fwd: Big Brother is a common thief]

By Caryn Dolley

When he was not watching, she stole his wallet.

What the City of Cape Town law enforcement officer did not take into
consideration though, was that she was caught on a surveillance camera
in the very room other Closed Circuit Television (CCTV) cameras were
being monitored.

The city's safety and security director Richard Bosman said the officer,
currently on sick leave, faced disciplinary action or suspension. A
criminal complaint was also lodged against her.

'We will institute disciplinary proceedings against her'
Bosman said according to information he had received about the incident,
the officer had returned her colleague's wallet to him a few days after
it was taken, not by handing it to him, but via a private courier company.

Some money was missing from it.

The wallet was stolen on January 3 in the Metro Police's CCTV Control
Room in Goodwood along the N1.

Bosman said two dozen people worked in the control room per shift.

Although the officer was not monitoring CCTV footage, she had access to
it. Bosman said those who worked in the control room were tasked with
monitoring CCTV camera footage, answer telephone calls and complaints to
the room and monitor alarms at council premises.

"This is a major concern for us. Especially because it involves somebody
in the control room where people with the highest degree of honesty are
needed," he said.

Bosman said investigations so far did not show the woman had worked with
others, had possibly notified others of where CCTV cameras were or had
ignored crimes caught on the cameras.

Bosman said those working in the CCTV control room had all known there
were also cameras in the room to monitor their movements. He said after
the incident the officer had gone on sick leave.

"We will institute disciplinary proceedings against her as soon as she
returns or if she does return," he said.

Metro police chief Rob Young said it was not clear yesterday where the
officer was.

Police were not able to respond to queries yesterday.

This article was originally published on page 1 of Cape Times on January
12, 2010


[Fwd: Witness dies in police station (shortened)]

By Gill Gifford and Nontobeko Mtshali

A woman taken in for questioning by the police, after allegedly
witnessing a mugging, died on the bathroom floor of the Eldorado Park
police station.

Liviron Sampson, 42, was held by the police despite her claims that she
had no helpful information and was experiencing extreme physical
distress due to thyroid complications.

Sampson's sister, Audrey Marillier, said three police officers had
fetched Sampson from her home on Monday afternoon to question her about
a crime.

The victim of the attack pointed her out as a potential witness.

"They saw that she wasn't well and they asked the police to come with
them while they took her to a doctor, but the police refused," said

Sampson's other sister, Mo van Zyl, was with her at the police station.

"Liviron told them that she didn't know the guys who did the robbery and
that she didn't have any information. She had been sort of in her own
world when it happened, so she couldn't answer all the questions."

"I told the police I had some money on me and I asked if I could take
her to the doctor, and they could even come with. But they said no, she
was in custody," Van Zyl said.

She said Sampson asked to go to the toilet around 6pm. She said police
officials agreed, but manhandled her.

When Sampson came out of the toilet cubicle, she apparently collapsed.
The police are alleged to have left her lying on the floor, and Van Zyl
stayed with her. Paramedics were then called.

"The ambulance arrived about three hours later, sometime around 9pm I
think, but by then she was dead. They told us she was dead at the police
station," Van Zyl said.

Marillier said she went back to the police station on Tuesday morning
and was told that a post-mortem had been conducted, and that Sampson had
died of a heart attack.

Independent Complaints Directorate spokesperson Moses Dlamini said the
ICD would also probe the case.

* The ICD is also looking into the death in custody of Mduduzi
Gumede, who was arrested at the Fourways Mall last month. He died
in custody, with post-mortem results showing that he died of
internal bleeding and spinal injuries "consistent with torture".

o *This article was originally published on page 1 of **The
Star* <http://www.thestar.co.za/>* on January 06, 2010 *

FIFA World Cup 2010: What awaits you

The soccer fans that will crowd the stadiums are walking into a conflict
zone. They will come to SA in a £25 million jet, and go home in a £25 box.


[Only in South Africa: NOW]

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