#297: South Africa: Stella's office

Minister of Public Works Stella Sigcau wanted to remodel her
office, so she invited different contractors for tenders. One was
from Johannesburg, one from Durban and the last one from Soweto.

"OK, gentlemen, nice job I want," she said, "Let's hear from Jhb?"

The guy took out his ultrasonic measuring device and tablet computer
and began measuring, scrawling on the computer, calculating.

Eventually: "R90,000, Madam Minister," he said.

"That seems like quite a lot of money! Why R90,000?"

"You see," he replied, "that's R40,000 for material, R40,000 for
my guys and R10,000 for my profit".

Stella seemed OK with that and turned to the Durban contractor.
"So how much do want to do the job?" she asked.

The Durban fella took out a rusted tape measure, broken clipboard
and a blunt pencil. He took some measurements, scratched some
calculations on the back of his Rothmans 30s box and came up with
a figure of R70,000.

"That's interesting," said Stella, "explain the R70,000!"

"Simple, Madam Minister, I got a brother-in-law in the hardware
trade, so that's R30,000 for materials, R30,000 for me, and R10,000
for my profit and all."

Stella was amused but happy to accept the explanation.

Then she asked the Soweto contractor for his quotation.

He just smiled, looked the minister in the eyes and said, "R270,000!"

"Yoh Yoh Yoh!... How did you come to that amount without even taking
your measurements? What is that amount for?"

"That's R100,000 for me & R100,000 for you!" he replied.

"And what about the remaining R70,000?"

"We hire that guy from Durban to do the job!!!"

[ Lifted off the net ]

Without geometry, life is pointless.


#296: South Africa: Taxi warfare

This is a story of a guy in Joburg and his trip back home from canoe
training - really good, read on... it made my day!


This morning, yours truly decided to sneak in a pinch of top-secret
and highly professional canoe training at Emmarentia dam, before the
first farts of sparrows could escape their imprisoning sphincters, and
even before the glories-of-mornings of most non-gay South African men
could rise to view the possible prospects of 'before work' swims.

Yep, I was up and onto that little patch of water before sunrise,
tearing around it at record-breaking pace, sneaking in a wee bit of
pre-Duzi training, in order to wrestle the crown away from the well
slow and soft Martin Dreyer (present Duzi champion, for those of you
not in the intellectual canoe mix) next time around. Anyway, the details
of my incredible canoe talent are not up for discussion here, but rather
what happened on my drive home after the session, in rush hour traffic,
and in particular, on Jan Smuts Avenue near to the Old Parktonian sports
club around 8am.

I was happily chilling in my car, cruising along at about 60kph, in
pretty much bumper-to-bumper traffic, with nobody going anywhere any
faster, it was simply not an option. Well, not an option for anyone
with a brain, with an ounce of logic within their crania, with a drop
of sense inside the membranes of their cerebral hemispheres. You'd
think that a creature without a brain would equate to a fly or less,
a category that includes mosquitoes, stones, anvils and ....... muntu
taxi drivers. Yep, enter Sipho "I'm a dickhead without a brain cell"
Nshlovo, driver of a Toyota Hiace - 4 wheels, 1 brake pad, no lights,
half a steering wheel, about 30 muntus inside and 3 masking-taped
windows... yep, standard issue for a South African taxi driver.
He had more than likely participated in the demonstration march last
month with hundreds of other muntu taxi driver idiots protesting about
having had their 'vehicles' impounded for not being roadworthy, the
rocket-scientists couldn't understand what wasn't roadworthy about a
taxi with a bobejaan spanner for a steering wheel, or one without
brakes (they reckon a handbrake is just as good as the foot brake pedal).

Anyway, my mate Sipho decided things weren't flowing fast enough for
him, so he started weaving in and out of the traffic, arm hanging out of
his window like a baboon's tail hanging from its ringpiece (I'm certain
his armpit smelt like no different, he was sweating like Bruce Fordyce's
crack after 90km's on the up run of the Comrades).

I heard this aeronautical engineer-like taxi driver coming from about
5 cars back, because everyone was hooting and slamming on brakes to
avoid the accident that he was trying his damndest to cause. After he
narrowly missed the back of my canoe as he swerved in behind me, I made
a stubborn little vow that he DEFINITELY wouldn't be cutting in front of
me like that, and so began the fun and games. The bum-wart first tried
the standard tactic of intimidation, just gradually cutting me off, in
the typical "you'd better slow down and let me in, or I'll crash into
you" method. Well, I used the typical "Fuck you faeces-brain" tactic,
with one hand on the hooter, the other pointing straight at him, with my
foot firmly on the accelerator, until he backed down like Mike Catt had
done in 1995 when Jonah Lomu ran straight over him.

This had a snowball effect, which had me chuckling the whole way back
to my humble abode. Syphilis-face then decided to put all his well-
acquired driving skill to the test, and adopted the smartest technique
of them all, the "Eish, I weel ovah-take on the wrong side" method, one
that sadly has caused numerous accidents in the past, including the
untimely death of one of our awesome mates, Mike Short, a year ago.
This made old Maccatini madder than a spitting cobra, with a red hot
cactus lodged up its rectum.

No skin off the fucking reverse-evolution-model's nose, he just
accelerated more, and tried to cut in front of the double-cab in front
of me, this after he had hooted at me and showed me a middle finger
accompanied with a few swearwords, something that made me want to beat
him harder than Campbell hit the gay boy who stabbed him repeatedly
with a pen all those years ago!

Well, the fella in front of me had obviously also been observing the
proceedings, and likewise refused to let Sipho Dickdribble Nshlovo in,
so the acceleration by the monkey continued, while he tried his hardest
to outstare the double-cab driver. Sadly for the nuclear physicist, the
emergency lane was shortly going to an end, with a solid stone pavement
to mark its ending. More sadly for him was the fact that he, and his
30-odd passengers were all trying their damndest to "intimidate by
staring" at myself and the double-cab man, instead of watching the road
ahead (something that most brain-owners do when driving).

I saw it coming, and was smiling my full-tusk smile even before they hit!

Anal-bum-wart hit that pave-munt at about 70kph, 31 muntu's bumped their
heads on the roof of the hi-ace in poetic unison, adding an extra
31 dents to the already-fucked minibus, and the two front wheels were
ripped off the chassis as the bus slid to a delightful halt on the
pave-munt (a place where muntus can be). Thankfully no passengers were
hurt, which made it the most fantastic thing to witness, sadly though,
Sipho, arm still hanging out of the window, was also unscathed.

However, his car was more fucked than that prostitute at PE harbour
named Deloris, and his mood was somewhat down-trodden.

I hooted and made sure he got the full-frontal of my biggest-ever super
smile, as did the driver of the double-cab, and then to my absolute joy,
looked in my mirror to see every driver behind me doing exactly the same!

The brain-cell-lacker had received his well-earned treatment! I was
happier than Hudders when he passed his board, or at least as happy!!

So folks, what a peachy morning it has been so far.

The sun is shining, it's Friday, I've done my training, Long Tom Roodt
is back in the country, there will be a lot of thirst quenched this
weekend, and Sipho Faeces-face Nshlovo is one mini-bus short of a taxi!

Now that is justice...


[Text contributed by Peter]


#294: South Africa: The perfect job

Sipho walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up
to the counter and said, "Eissssh, I hate it to be drawing welfeh.
I would reely rather find a johb."

The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is just amazing.
We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur / bodyguard for his young daughter. You'll have to drive
around in a big black Mercedes, the suits, shirts, and ties are
included. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also
be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady
on her overseas holidays. The salary package is R200,000 a year."

Sipho exclaimed, "Eissssh, you are bullsheetting me, baba!"

The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it, Bru!"

[Contributed by Peter]

One settler - one bulletin board!


#293: South Africa: Your tax rands at work

There are these two guys working for the municipality. One would
dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked furiously all day without rest; one guy digging a hole,
the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand
what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the
effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig
a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."

"The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Eish, normally we are
a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today!"

[Contributed by Peter]

"Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall..."


#292: South Africa: How the commandments came to be ten

God went to the Zulus and said,
"I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

And the Zulus asked, "What are Commandments?",
and the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Xhosas and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Xhosas wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."

So He went to the Coloureds and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Coloureds wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."

He went to the Muslims and said, "I have Commandments."
The Muslims wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Thou shalt not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

He went to the Indians and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take ten."

[Contributed by Peter]

God created the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.


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