#193: South Africa: The Taxi

Many taxis on the roads of South Africa look as if they're only good
to be towed away. Well, the taxi drivers themselves have realised that.

The following apparently really did happen in the Natal Midlands.

A traffic officer observed a minibus taxi with passengers towing
another minibus taxi, also packed with passengers, along the N3.

An hour later the same taxi returned in the opposite direction along
the N3 towing the same vehicle packed with passengers.

Another hour passed and the officer observed the same sequence of

He eventually pulled the taxi off the road and inspected both vehicles.
To his amazement, he found the taxi being towed did not have an engine,
but was being used as an extension of the first one.

[Contributed by Martie]


#192: South Africa: TV & Murder

Only In South Africa...

Just the other day I got fined R1,000 by the TV licence inspector for
not having a TV license. Then I heard about this other guy who got out
on bail for R500 after being arrested for murder!

Moral of the story:

If you don't have a TV licence and the inspector comes round: KILL him!
You can save R500!

[Contributed by Peter]


#191: South Africa: Lawyer Gatiep

Gatiep grew up in Tafelsig, Mitchell's Plain, an average suburb of Cape
Town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to
come back to Mitchells Plain because he could be a big man in Tafelsig.
He really wanted to impress everyone, so he returned and opened his new
law office there.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make
a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to
the door Gatiep picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all while

"No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't
settle this case for anything less than one million."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll
be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will
provide support. Okay. Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with
him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the
man sat patiently as Gatiep rattled instructions.

Finally, Gatiep put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can
I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from Telkom, I've come to connect your phone."

[Contributed by Peter]


#190: South Africa: Kaapse Liefdesbrief


Valentine, oh Valentine,
I smaak you stukkend, say you'll be mine.

You're my morning, my sunshine, my moon and my stars,
You're my air freshener from the OK Bazaars;

You're my beaded love-letter, my breeze in the night,
You're my coffee, my Cremora, my Blitz firelight.

You're my Crime-Stop, my Tracker, you're my AZT,
My pap, Mrs. Ball's chutney, my Nando's for free.

You're my lambchop, my dewdrop, my partner in crime,
My chillie, my pepper, my vetkoek sublime.

The list is just endless and this isn't all,
You're my Lotto jackpot, my dop and my zol.

You're my 4X4 when the road is so hilly,
You're the Floro margarine that butters my mielie,

I smaak you, my poppie, so please be my wife,
'cause, Babe, you're the Tomato Sauce on the slap chips of life.

[Contributed by Susanna]


#189: South Africa: Life in Johannesburg

You know you live in Johannesburg when...

1. The person in front of you in traffic this morning was hijacked and
you got irritated because you missed the robot [traffic light].

2. While eating dinner a news item comes on TV about a family of six
slaughtered in their home, and you ask someone to pass you the salt.

3. You never think of taxis in terms of 'public transport'.

4. You have a minimum of five worst-taxi-stories.

5. While waiting at the ATM, the bank is robbed by armed gunmen - but
you'll be damned if you're going to lose your place in the queue.

6. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

7. The last time you drove your car without swearing at someone was
when you took your driving test.

8. It takes you an hour and a half to drive 5km to work in the morning
and you think "Wow, good traffic day".

9. Every time you find your car parked where you left it you are
genuinely surprised.

10. You've never been to Melville or Rockey Street but love Sandton City.

11. You can get into a four-hour argument about the quickest way out of
Sunninghill after work on a Friday but can't find Boksburg on a map.

12. Prostitutes and the homeless are invisible.

13. You have more barbed wire around your home than Diepkloof Prison.

14. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

15. You consider a postage-stamp sized patch of grass a garden.

16. Midrand is regarded as the 'country-side'.

17. You happily pay R3500.00 a month for a 'townhouse' in the north the
size of a cupboard, but R3.50 for a loaf of bread is a disgrace.

18. The last time you visited the coast you paid more in accumulated
speeding fines than you did for the entire holiday.

19. Your monthly car insurance is more than most of the people in SA's
car repayments.

20. What are stars?

21. You own hiking boots and a 4WD, neither of which have ever touched

22. You have 20 different menus next to your phone.

23. SA south of the Vaal is vaguely theoretical to you.

24. You can carry R350 worth of groceries in one plastic bag.

25. You don't hear the gunfire anymore.

['nother classic submitted by Susanna]


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