2003-05-30

#189: South Africa: Life in Johannesburg

You know you live in Johannesburg when...

1. The person in front of you in traffic this morning was hijacked and
you got irritated because you missed the robot [traffic light].

2. While eating dinner a news item comes on TV about a family of six
slaughtered in their home, and you ask someone to pass you the salt.

3. You never think of taxis in terms of 'public transport'.

4. You have a minimum of five worst-taxi-stories.

5. While waiting at the ATM, the bank is robbed by armed gunmen - but
you'll be damned if you're going to lose your place in the queue.

6. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

7. The last time you drove your car without swearing at someone was
when you took your driving test.

8. It takes you an hour and a half to drive 5km to work in the morning
and you think "Wow, good traffic day".

9. Every time you find your car parked where you left it you are
genuinely surprised.

10. You've never been to Melville or Rockey Street but love Sandton City.

11. You can get into a four-hour argument about the quickest way out of
Sunninghill after work on a Friday but can't find Boksburg on a map.

12. Prostitutes and the homeless are invisible.

13. You have more barbed wire around your home than Diepkloof Prison.

14. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

15. You consider a postage-stamp sized patch of grass a garden.

16. Midrand is regarded as the 'country-side'.

17. You happily pay R3500.00 a month for a 'townhouse' in the north the
size of a cupboard, but R3.50 for a loaf of bread is a disgrace.

18. The last time you visited the coast you paid more in accumulated
speeding fines than you did for the entire holiday.

19. Your monthly car insurance is more than most of the people in SA's
car repayments.

20. What are stars?

21. You own hiking boots and a 4WD, neither of which have ever touched
dirt.

22. You have 20 different menus next to your phone.

23. SA south of the Vaal is vaguely theoretical to you.

24. You can carry R350 worth of groceries in one plastic bag.

25. You don't hear the gunfire anymore.

['nother classic submitted by Susanna]

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