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#227: The wife's accident

Mr. Tshabalala gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife has
been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to Baragwanath Hospital and,
as soon as he gets there, he identifies himself and is told Doctor Mtolo
is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting
room to see a terribly upset Mr. Tshabalala.

"Mr. Tshabalala?" the doctor asks.
"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's
accident resulted in two fractures on her spine."

"Oh my God!" says Mr. Tshabalala, "what is the prognosis?"
"Well, Mr. Tshabalala, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is
inoperable. She'll have no motor skills whatsoever. This means you will
have to feed her."

Mr. Tshabalala begins to sob.

"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent

Mr. Tshabalala begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her
as she'll have no control over her bladder and obviously these diapers
must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Tshabalala begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her faeces on
a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter either.
Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course
you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid
effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Tshabalala is convulsing uncontrollably and beginning to wither
off the bench into a sobbing and pitiful mess.

Just then, Dr. Mtolo reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Tshabalala on
the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just playing with you, man! Relax, she's dead!"

[Contributed by Peter]



#203: One day, at an LAX airport bar...

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Los Angeles noticed a beautiful young
woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous
she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:
"Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself,
"Guess she doesn't work for Delta".

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her
again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same blank look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the United slogan: "I would really love to fly your
friendly skies?"

This time the woman turned on him, "What the fuck do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said...
"Ahhh, South African Airways!!!!"

[Contributed by Peter]



#193: South Africa: The Taxi

Many taxis on the roads of South Africa look as if they're only good
to be towed away. Well, the taxi drivers themselves have realised that.

The following apparently really did happen in the Natal Midlands.

A traffic officer observed a minibus taxi with passengers towing
another minibus taxi, also packed with passengers, along the N3.

An hour later the same taxi returned in the opposite direction along
the N3 towing the same vehicle packed with passengers.

Another hour passed and the officer observed the same sequence of

He eventually pulled the taxi off the road and inspected both vehicles.
To his amazement, he found the taxi being towed did not have an engine,
but was being used as an extension of the first one.

[Contributed by Martie]


#192: South Africa: TV & Murder

Only In South Africa...

Just the other day I got fined R1,000 by the TV licence inspector for
not having a TV license. Then I heard about this other guy who got out
on bail for R500 after being arrested for murder!

Moral of the story:

If you don't have a TV licence and the inspector comes round: KILL him!
You can save R500!

[Contributed by Peter]


#191: South Africa: Lawyer Gatiep

Gatiep grew up in Tafelsig, Mitchell's Plain, an average suburb of Cape
Town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to
come back to Mitchells Plain because he could be a big man in Tafelsig.
He really wanted to impress everyone, so he returned and opened his new
law office there.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make
a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to
the door Gatiep picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all while

"No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't
settle this case for anything less than one million."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll
be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will
provide support. Okay. Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with
him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the
man sat patiently as Gatiep rattled instructions.

Finally, Gatiep put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can
I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from Telkom, I've come to connect your phone."

[Contributed by Peter]


#190: South Africa: Kaapse Liefdesbrief


Valentine, oh Valentine,
I smaak you stukkend, say you'll be mine.

You're my morning, my sunshine, my moon and my stars,
You're my air freshener from the OK Bazaars;

You're my beaded love-letter, my breeze in the night,
You're my coffee, my Cremora, my Blitz firelight.

You're my Crime-Stop, my Tracker, you're my AZT,
My pap, Mrs. Ball's chutney, my Nando's for free.

You're my lambchop, my dewdrop, my partner in crime,
My chillie, my pepper, my vetkoek sublime.

The list is just endless and this isn't all,
You're my Lotto jackpot, my dop and my zol.

You're my 4X4 when the road is so hilly,
You're the Floro margarine that butters my mielie,

I smaak you, my poppie, so please be my wife,
'cause, Babe, you're the Tomato Sauce on the slap chips of life.

[Contributed by Susanna]


#189: South Africa: Life in Johannesburg

You know you live in Johannesburg when...

1. The person in front of you in traffic this morning was hijacked and
you got irritated because you missed the robot [traffic light].

2. While eating dinner a news item comes on TV about a family of six
slaughtered in their home, and you ask someone to pass you the salt.

3. You never think of taxis in terms of 'public transport'.

4. You have a minimum of five worst-taxi-stories.

5. While waiting at the ATM, the bank is robbed by armed gunmen - but
you'll be damned if you're going to lose your place in the queue.

6. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

7. The last time you drove your car without swearing at someone was
when you took your driving test.

8. It takes you an hour and a half to drive 5km to work in the morning
and you think "Wow, good traffic day".

9. Every time you find your car parked where you left it you are
genuinely surprised.

10. You've never been to Melville or Rockey Street but love Sandton City.

11. You can get into a four-hour argument about the quickest way out of
Sunninghill after work on a Friday but can't find Boksburg on a map.

12. Prostitutes and the homeless are invisible.

13. You have more barbed wire around your home than Diepkloof Prison.

14. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

15. You consider a postage-stamp sized patch of grass a garden.

16. Midrand is regarded as the 'country-side'.

17. You happily pay R3500.00 a month for a 'townhouse' in the north the
size of a cupboard, but R3.50 for a loaf of bread is a disgrace.

18. The last time you visited the coast you paid more in accumulated
speeding fines than you did for the entire holiday.

19. Your monthly car insurance is more than most of the people in SA's
car repayments.

20. What are stars?

21. You own hiking boots and a 4WD, neither of which have ever touched

22. You have 20 different menus next to your phone.

23. SA south of the Vaal is vaguely theoretical to you.

24. You can carry R350 worth of groceries in one plastic bag.

25. You don't hear the gunfire anymore.

['nother classic submitted by Susanna]


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