2006-12-30

#569: South Africa: The only place...

http://home.arcor.de/hmvh/2006/569.htm

2006-10-28

#546: South Africa: Brilliant t-shirt designs

More at http://home.arcor.de/hmvh/2006/546.htm

#544: Newsflash! Nigeria struck by earthquake

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A major earthquake measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale hit Nigeria.

As of this morning, 350,000 Nigerians have died while over a million
have been reportedly injured. Far more are homeless.

The country is almost totally ruined, and the government does not know
where to start with providing help.

The rest of the world is in shock -

The USA is sending troops to assist the country,

Brazil and China are sending food,

Europe is sending money and technical aid,

and South Africa is sending 350,000 replacement Nigerians.

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[Pilfered off emailjokes.co.za (a classic, modified)]

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey

-------------------- [ www.hmvh.de.vu ] -------------------

2006-10-06

Zuma Products!

2006-08-05

South African bush pilot

You are a South African bush pilot.

You fly in some critical medical supplies, enjoy a quick lunch at the
hospital.

It's a stifling 40º in the shade and you're eager to get back up to the
cool, high blue yonder.

On the way back to your plane, you discover that the only bit of shade,
within 10 miles, has become very popular.

You start calculating the distance to the plane door... and wonder...

"Do I feel lucky today?"

2006-06-21

#507: Battle of the sexes: Drink survey of South Africans

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Another and more recent survey conducted by a South African magazine
also asked if bartenders could identify a patron's personality based on
the drinks they ordered.

Some fifty bartenders from across the country were interviewed, and
although they were questioned separately, they did concur on most items:

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IF MEN DRINK -

Castle Lager

Unimaginative, boring, civil servant types stuck in a job they hate
who drink alcohol purely because they don't have DSTV or a girlfriend.
This type thinks that NuMetro is a kind of posh train service and that
News Café is a bookshop. If you are a boss looking for a loyal employee,
look no further than a Castle drinker!

Lion Lager

Unimaginative, boring, civil servant types stuck in a job they hate
who drink alcohol purely because they don't have M-Net but a fat wife.
High suicide rate.

Hansa

This crowd is made up mostly of guys who used to be on the cutting edge
some ten years ago in the 90's - but nobody has told them that having a
studded fake diamond earring in one ear and gold-capped teeth ceased
being socially-acceptable in 1994.

Carling Black Label

Stay away from this lot. If they have never been to jail it's because
our Safety and Security Ministry is so inefficient or they're simply out
on bail. Thugs, gangsters, murderers, Pirates fans and wife-beaters, the
lot of them! Will never own a better car than a 1996 Mazda Sting with
17-inch rims and a Sony boombox.

Amstel

Real wannabe intellectual types who are label-conscious. On any given
Saturday afternoon the average Amstel drinker is found dressed in a
Bafana jersey, Diesel jeans and red R1,200 Nike sneakers. Typically
drive a Golf V and have a Nokia 9300.

Heineken

Wannabe, pretentious types who fancy themselves to be unique and on the
cutting edge. Truth be told, they hate the taste of Heineken but will be
damned if they will have their first love, Hansa. In ten years, they'll
be just like today's Hansa drinkers, ie. the guys everybody laughs at
because they support Sundowns and still drive their 2006 Mazda Sting.

Windhoek Lager

Same as the Heineken crowd above but add "got no money to buy Heineken."

Miller

Closet fags who only have Miller in public. Truth be told, they're
really Hooch, Bacardi Breezer or Smirnoff Spin drinkers in private.

Savannah

Alcoholics who are acutely aware of that "6% v/v" on the label.

Castle Milk Stout

Aggressive alcoholics who do not know what "6% v/v" means.

Castle Lite

Serious alcoholics who have bought in into that "the one to have
when you're having more than one". They are generally intelligent
but argumentative types who secretly resent Milk Stout and Savannah
drinkers because that is what they really want to drink. They tend to
like quoting statistics. They'll remark that "the calorie content in
a regular beer is equivalent to seven loaves of bread" as they down
their 17th beer.

Hunter's Dry

Reformed beer drinkers or rural types with big hands (from ploughing).

Bacardi Breezer / Brutal Fruit / Hooch /Smirnoff Spin

One of two things: (a) fags or (b) newcomers to the drinking game.

Wine

Fags.

J&B / Dewars

Poor guys. Cannot tell the difference between whisky and brandy.

Jack Daniels / Johnny Walker Red and Black

Like whisky but don't know the difference between bourbon and a Scotch.
Drink whisky because they just like the taste.

Jameson / Glenfiddich / Chivas Regal / Dimple

Serious whisky connoisseurs.

Smirnoff 1818

Check "Carling Black Label" description the add "rapists" to it.

Mellowood / Richelieu / Martell / Klipdrift (and similar)

Violent. Call every spirit "brandy", even Johnnie Walker. If less than
40 in age, poor. Chances are they will own a Kaizer Chiefs / Orlando
Pirates makalabha and a vuvuzela to go with it..

KWV 10 / Klipdrift Premium (and similar)

Actually likes brandy.

KWV 5

wannabe brandy connoisseur without the money.

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IF WOMEN DRINK -

Any beer

Slut.

Milk Stout

prostitute.

Barcadi Breezer / Hooch

Believe men owe them a living and do not really know that a Hooch goes
for R16 a pop at News Café because they have never actually bought it
for themselves. At their own places you will find Brutal Fruit and/or
Smirnoff Spin empties in their waste.

Brutal Fruit or Smirnoff Spin

Cheap bargain hunters you will generally see in the front of the Edgars
Red Hanger Sale.

Wine by the glass

Pretentious bitches that think they have arrived because they drive a
Peugeot 206 or Renault Clio. They live in a snazzy townhouse they can't
afford and are probably at the pub looking for a dumb arsehole to
subsidise their car instalments / townhouse rent / overdraft repayments.

Wine by the bottle (JC Le Roux, Cold Duck, Graca Rose, etc. excluded)

Classy. Powerful.
Know what they want and probably have a Beemer parked outside.

Amarula Cream (and similar)

Horny. Like... all the time! Mention the alley next to the pub.

Whisky (any whisky)

Even hornier...

Brandy (any brandy)

Horny civil servant types.

Aftershock or Stroh Rum

You're fucked... real fucked!

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[Contributor unknown]

If at first you don't succeed, buy her another drink!

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#506: South Africa: Mind your I's and your Are's

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Every morning, when the old lady teacher came to the Afrikaans students
for an English lecture she greeted them with "Good morning, class!"

Yet everytime one boy out of the whole class room would get up to greet
the teacher in return.

This happened time and again until she decided to call him up to her
desk and ask him, loud enough for everyone to hear, "Why is it that
every time I greet the whole class, only you stand up to greet me?"

He replied to the teacher in his best English: "It is 'cause I are the
only person in this class what's name are Klaas!"

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[Contributed by Peter Woods]

Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

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#505: South Africa: Philemon and Beauty

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Philemon and Beauty are sixty-nining when Philemon says, "Beauty, did
you know that the government spent R2 million on repairs to Mbeki's
house last year?"

"Eish-wena!" exclaims Beauty. "That is too much money," she adds.

"And," says Philemon, "did you know that one rape occurs every ten
minutes in Egoli?"

"Hau!" replies Beauty. "Philemon, you know everything," she says with
admiration.

"Beauty," says Philemon, "and did you know that Felicia Mabuza-Suttle
had an operation to make her breasts bigger?"

"Haikona Philemon!" exclaims Beauty. "But Philemon," she asks, "even
though you know everything, why are you telling me all this while we
are having the sex?"

And Philemon replies, "Remember last year, when you forgot to buy the
toilet paper over the Christmas weekend, and we had to use newspaper?"

"Yebo, I remember", says Beauty.

"Well," says Philemon, "you still have page 16 of the Sowetan stuck to
your bum."

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[Contributed by Peter Woods]

Tuna just doesn't taste the same anymore without dolphin...

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2006-06-10

#504: South Africa: Why Bafana didn't qualify (v2)

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Ever wondered why South Africa is absolutely useless in football?

Bashin Mahlangu

Interviewer: Bashin, how do you feel about scoring such a beautiful goal?

Mahlangu: I feel immediately!!!

Lesley Manyathela (RIP)
(This was an interview to get to know more about the player after an
extended period of rich form)

Interviewer: So Lesley, tell us about your family.

Manyathela: I have one KIDS. I also have two brothers: There is one
in front of me and one behind me.

Bhele Nomvete
(This interview was conducted after a match on Bhele's birthday.)

Interviewer: Firstly, Bhele we'd just like to wish you a happy birthday.

Nomvete: Thank you, thank you, same to you!

Steve Lekoelea

Interviewer: Steve, you have just played an amazing game to help Pirates
win. Where to from here?

Lekoelea: I am going home.

Interviewer: Steve, you seem to have hit such a rich vein of form.
You also seem a lot fitter. What is your secret?

Lekoelea: In the morning I get up and I run away.

Jabu Pule

Interviewer: Jabu, who do you think will host the 2010 soccer bid?

Pule: Marks Maponyane

Peter Ndlovu (Zimbabwe)

Interviewer: Peter, those were three beautiful babies you put away
behind the net. How do you feel?

Ndlovu: Aah, I am so ashamed, I just don't like it when these
woman tell the whole world.

Siyabonga Nomvete

Interviewer : Siyabonga, you really seemed to enjoy the game?

Nomvete: Yes, the game was very much delicious.

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[Contributed by Peter Woods]

Error: Keyboard not found! Press a key to continue.

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2006-04-15

#490: South Africa: Driving rules for Johannesburg

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1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Joburg driver
never uses them. On BMW and Mercedes cars indicators are not fitted.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between
yourself and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled
by two Golfs, a BMW and a Hi-Ace taxi, putting you in an even more
dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance of
getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign!
No-one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in - giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the
brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance
to stretch your legs.

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good
way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline.
They are especially not applicable in Randburg during rush hour.
That's why it's called "rush hour"...

8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up
or move over doesn't mean that a Joburg driver flashing his high
beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your place.

9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even
someone changing a tire. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.

10. Learn to swerve abruptly. Gauteng is the home of high-speed slalom
driving thanks to the Road Works Department, which puts holes in key
locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

11. It is traditional in Sandton to honk your horn at cars that don't
move the instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from
building nests on top of the traffic light and minahs from making
deposits on your car.

12. Remember that the goal of every Johannesburg driver is to get there
first - by whatever means necessary.

13. In township areas, "flipping someone the bird" is considered a
polite Gauteng salute. This gesture should always be returned.

14. On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection
after the light has turned red. It's people not adhering to this
basic principle that cause the big traffic jams during rush hour.

15. A solid white line means the same as a staggered line in Gauteng.
The Metro Police Department just have to save paint to buy new cars
for all the new directors. A solid white line next to a staggered
line means they have sorted the directors out and the paint contract
has been awarded to their wives.

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[Pulled off gpsa.co.za]

A critic is someone who knows the way, but can't drive the car.

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2006-03-30

#489: Taxi Driver: A South African tale

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A taxi driver runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a cop.

He thinks he's smarter than the cop and, knowing there's a non-existent
conviction rate for taxi drivers, decides to prove this to himself and
have some fun at the same time.

Cop: "License please!"

Taxi driver: "WHAT for!?"

Cop: "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign!"

Taxi driver: "Heish! I slowed down, and nobody was coming!"

Cop: "You still didn't come to a complete stop! License please!"

Taxi driver: "What's the DIFFERENCE!?"

Cop: "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop! That's
the LAW! License please!"

Taxi driver: "Heish! If you can show me the DIFFERENCE between SLOW DOWN
and STOP, me, I give you my license, and you give me the ticket! If
not, you let me go and NO ticket!"

Cop: "Exit your vehicle, Boetie..."

The taxi driver gets out of his taxi and, at this point, the cop takes
out his truncheon, starts dondering the ever-loving crap out of the
taxi driver and says, "Do you want me to STOP or just SLOW DOWN, Boet?"

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[Contributor unknown]

A collision happens when two motorists go after the same pedestrian.

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