#490: South Africa: Driving rules for Johannesburg

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1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Joburg driver
never uses them. On BMW and Mercedes cars indicators are not fitted.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between
yourself and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled
by two Golfs, a BMW and a Hi-Ace taxi, putting you in an even more
dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance of
getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign!
No-one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in - giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the
brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance
to stretch your legs.

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good
way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline.
They are especially not applicable in Randburg during rush hour.
That's why it's called "rush hour"...

8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up
or move over doesn't mean that a Joburg driver flashing his high
beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your place.

9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even
someone changing a tire. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.

10. Learn to swerve abruptly. Gauteng is the home of high-speed slalom
driving thanks to the Road Works Department, which puts holes in key
locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

11. It is traditional in Sandton to honk your horn at cars that don't
move the instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from
building nests on top of the traffic light and minahs from making
deposits on your car.

12. Remember that the goal of every Johannesburg driver is to get there
first - by whatever means necessary.

13. In township areas, "flipping someone the bird" is considered a
polite Gauteng salute. This gesture should always be returned.

14. On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection
after the light has turned red. It's people not adhering to this
basic principle that cause the big traffic jams during rush hour.

15. A solid white line means the same as a staggered line in Gauteng.
The Metro Police Department just have to save paint to buy new cars
for all the new directors. A solid white line next to a staggered
line means they have sorted the directors out and the paint contract
has been awarded to their wives.

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[Pulled off gpsa.co.za]

A critic is someone who knows the way, but can't drive the car.

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