Fwd: Riding the ANACONDA
I am a father. So,sometimes i need to do stuff that fathers do. In the
old days, it was marbles and tolle and ketties. Things have changed.
So,two weeks ago,the fucking bright sparks over the road here,whispered
the words "GOLD REEF CITY" into my laaities ears,and what can you do?You
go to GRC.
Ok,so i checked the website...nananana,looks like piss,hier en daar n
fokken ride or two,and i wanted to go down the mine. So ek trek my
plakkies aan, kam my hare, and off we go.
We got there early. Ek kap manhaftig twee worsbroodjies weg, en n
halfliter melk, and followed my son to the first ride...called Runaway
Train.
We get on, and i thought these things were for kids and stuff,and off it
went. I did not like it. It was going sideways and shit,and i was queasy
when i got off.
What bothered me though was the sound coming from behind me somewhere.
Dit klink soos n fokken boeing wat land. And then i saw it. Big
signwriting...ANAFOKKENCONDA.
I had to keep face, i wear the pants in this family. Ek maak my arms
bak, en ek loop fier en regop teen die dekplank op. Ek gaan die donner
ry, what can go wrong?
There was a queue and the fuck up with that is, you can see what the
thing does to people.
When it came in the second time,and a young student dude, met spiere
waar ek voue het, got out, and kots oor die reling, toe weet ek, my kak
is uitgeknip vir my.
Then it was our turn.Jono chickened out, BUT my wife was checking me
out. This is where you have to be nonchalant,and manly. I kept my chin
up, en my hol toegeknyp.
You get into this thing, and you hang. The safety bar didnt want to go
over my hoenderborsie, so i pulled a Ville Valo, and made myself thin,
and hooked a clip too close....i think.
KLANG KLANG KLANG KLANG....en kom ons fok nie rond nie....skielik is ek
so bang dat ek n bliksemse nieraanval kry.....
dan draai die etterse ding en dan......P@$S HY NA BENEDE....MET DIE
SPOED VAN DIE HEILIGE FOKKEN WIT ELAND.
I shit you not, forget any car,bike,plane or whatever the fuck you
measure your manliness by....it accelerated like nothing i have ever felt.
But if this wasnt enough, gaan donner die ding onderstebo met jou. I
feel the worsrolletjie. No wait, i feel the texture of the
worsrolletjie, every fucking fibre of the worsrolletjie.
Kerels, we came out that first loop met die spoed van fokken wit lig. I
wanted it to stop.I havent prayed in 22 years....i did then. We levelled
out,and then it hit the second loop.
Shorter radius than the first. Ons fok daardeur,en ek verloor my
plakkie. Onderstebo, and then around 2 flat corners wa ek 10 jaar ouer
word, and then....the fucking thing corkscrewed.
Klits daai fokken broodjie en die melk laat dit lyk soos daai kak wat jy
oor bobotie gooi, and another,en fok dit, toe skree ek soos n Namibiese
vlakte vlermuis wat se sonar gekak het.
And into the station at 200kmh, and just for shits and giggles, they
stop it in 10m flat.
I just sat there. Stunned,and my wife is oooh and aaaahing, en
lets-go-againing....sy moet haar jags hou.
It fucked my whole day up.
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