I was walking along East Beach in Bloubergstrand when I came across a
lamp partially buried in the sand.
I picked up the lamp and gave it a rub. A genie appeared and told me I
had been granted one wish.
I thought for a moment and said, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK, then, I want to die after the ANC government balances the budget,
eliminates the debt and stamps out corruption!"
"You sneaky little bastard," said the genie.
After President Jacob Zuma's statement [...] that all the problems in
South Africa started with the arrival of Jan van Riebeeck in 1652.....
I know, I know... We had the same problems in England, you know...
First we had the Picts and the Scots. And then came the Romans who
stuck around for about four centuries. Then we had the Angles and the
Saxons and all those other Germanic tribes. Oh ho! Then came the Danes
and their Viking mates, a nauseating bunch of horny helmeted rapists
and looters they were.
Nevertheless, the Danes were eventually displaced by the Normans, who
turned out to be Frenchmen in disguise - but we were a bit slow to
recognise the fact until it was too late; anyway, they were led by the
Duke of Normandy, who was a real bastard, and who gave our wimpy king
a right one in the eye. (The bloody French are still hanging around
with their cheese and their bread and their wine and their accordion
music and their fancy restaurants, seducing our people away from our
culture of slap chips with custard.)
And then, and then, came the Dutch when King William and Queen Mary of
Orange popped over and started causing nonsense with the Irish at the
Battle of the Boyne. The Irish have never completely forgiven us, so
they came over and settled all our building sites. Then the Germans
came back again, surreptitiously, and occupied the top of the Mall in
Buckingham Palace...
And where are we now...? Now we have Arabs, Pakistanis, Indians,
Caribbeans, Syrians, the Oz, Italians, Americans, Canadians, Poles,
Portuguese, Saudis , Kuwaitis, Moroccans, Egyptians, Iranians,
Palestinians, Israeli Jews, Ethiopians, Somalis, Nigerians,
Rhodesians, Scots (to run the government)... and (whoa!) South
Africans...
It has been going on for two thousand years. It's an outrage...
And yet, and yet... All of these people (well most!) have contributed
to make England and the English a great and democratic nation. And
yet, I have never felt the slightest inclination to bomb Rome, to
shatter the Pyramids, to close a Pakistani restaurant, to nuke the
Ka'aba in Mecca, to blow up a bus in Jerusalem, to chop off the head
of a Nigerian etc. (And even if I have, I have controlled myself from
saying so.)
I have few words for Mr Zuma and his depraved ANC: Grow up, or piss
off. You stand in the way of civilisation.
I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when
she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of
her parents, ANC supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, "If
you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents smiled hugely.
"Wow...what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait
until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house for a
morning and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay
you R100. Then I'll take you over to the supermarket where the
homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the R100 to use toward
food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight
in the eye and asked: "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do
the work, and you can just pay him the R100?"
I said, "Welcome to the DA!"
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
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