Mr. Tshabalala gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife has
been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to Baragwanath Hospital and,
as soon as he gets there, he identifies himself and is told Doctor Mtolo
is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting
room to see a terribly upset Mr. Tshabalala.
"Mr. Tshabalala?" the doctor asks.
"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's
accident resulted in two fractures on her spine."
"Oh my God!" says Mr. Tshabalala, "what is the prognosis?"
"Well, Mr. Tshabalala, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is
inoperable. She'll have no motor skills whatsoever. This means you will
have to feed her."
Mr. Tshabalala begins to sob.
"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent
pneumonia."
Mr. Tshabalala begins to wail and cry loudly.
"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her
as she'll have no control over her bladder and obviously these diapers
must be changed at least five times a day."
Mr. Tshabalala begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her faeces on
a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter either.
Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course
you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid
effluent she'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Tshabalala is convulsing uncontrollably and beginning to wither
off the bench into a sobbing and pitiful mess.
Just then, Dr. Mtolo reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Tshabalala on
the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just playing with you, man! Relax, she's dead!"
[Contributed by Peter]
-----------------------------------------------------------
A guy sitting at an airport bar in Los Angeles noticed a beautiful young
woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous
she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:
"Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself,
"Guess she doesn't work for Delta".
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her
again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same blank look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the United slogan: "I would really love to fly your
friendly skies?"
This time the woman turned on him, "What the fuck do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said...
"Ahhh, South African Airways!!!!"
[Contributed by Peter]
-----------------------------------------------------------
Many taxis on the roads of South Africa look as if they're only good
to be towed away. Well, the taxi drivers themselves have realised that.
The following apparently really did happen in the Natal Midlands.
A traffic officer observed a minibus taxi with passengers towing
another minibus taxi, also packed with passengers, along the N3.
An hour later the same taxi returned in the opposite direction along
the N3 towing the same vehicle packed with passengers.
Another hour passed and the officer observed the same sequence of
events.
He eventually pulled the taxi off the road and inspected both vehicles.
To his amazement, he found the taxi being towed did not have an engine,
but was being used as an extension of the first one.
[Contributed by Martie]
-----------------------------------------------------------
Only In South Africa...
Just the other day I got fined R1,000 by the TV licence inspector for
not having a TV license. Then I heard about this other guy who got out
on bail for R500 after being arrested for murder!
Moral of the story:
If you don't have a TV licence and the inspector comes round: KILL him!
You can save R500!
[Contributed by Peter]
-----------------------------------------------------------
Gatiep grew up in Tafelsig, Mitchell's Plain, an average suburb of Cape
Town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to
come back to Mitchells Plain because he could be a big man in Tafelsig.
He really wanted to impress everyone, so he returned and opened his new
law office there.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make
a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to
the door Gatiep picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all while
talking.
"No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't
settle this case for anything less than one million."
"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll
be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will
provide support. Okay. Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with
him next week to discuss the details."
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the
man sat patiently as Gatiep rattled instructions.
Finally, Gatiep put down the phone and turned to the man.
"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can
I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from Telkom, I've come to connect your phone."
[Contributed by Peter]
-----------------------------------------------------------
SA LOVE POEM - KAAPSE STYL
Valentine, oh Valentine,
I smaak you stukkend, say you'll be mine.
You're my morning, my sunshine, my moon and my stars,
You're my air freshener from the OK Bazaars;
You're my beaded love-letter, my breeze in the night,
You're my coffee, my Cremora, my Blitz firelight.
You're my Crime-Stop, my Tracker, you're my AZT,
My pap, Mrs. Ball's chutney, my Nando's for free.
You're my lambchop, my dewdrop, my partner in crime,
My chillie, my pepper, my vetkoek sublime.
The list is just endless and this isn't all,
You're my Lotto jackpot, my dop and my zol.
You're my 4X4 when the road is so hilly,
You're the Floro margarine that butters my mielie,
I smaak you, my poppie, so please be my wife,
'cause, Babe, you're the Tomato Sauce on the slap chips of life.
[Contributed by Susanna]
-----------------------------------------------------------
You know you live in Johannesburg when...
1. The person in front of you in traffic this morning was hijacked and
you got irritated because you missed the robot [traffic light].
2. While eating dinner a news item comes on TV about a family of six
slaughtered in their home, and you ask someone to pass you the salt.
3. You never think of taxis in terms of 'public transport'.
4. You have a minimum of five worst-taxi-stories.
5. While waiting at the ATM, the bank is robbed by armed gunmen - but
you'll be damned if you're going to lose your place in the queue.
6. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
7. The last time you drove your car without swearing at someone was
when you took your driving test.
8. It takes you an hour and a half to drive 5km to work in the morning
and you think "Wow, good traffic day".
9. Every time you find your car parked where you left it you are
genuinely surprised.
10. You've never been to Melville or Rockey Street but love Sandton City.
11. You can get into a four-hour argument about the quickest way out of
Sunninghill after work on a Friday but can't find Boksburg on a map.
12. Prostitutes and the homeless are invisible.
13. You have more barbed wire around your home than Diepkloof Prison.
14. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
15. You consider a postage-stamp sized patch of grass a garden.
16. Midrand is regarded as the 'country-side'.
17. You happily pay R3500.00 a month for a 'townhouse' in the north the
size of a cupboard, but R3.50 for a loaf of bread is a disgrace.
18. The last time you visited the coast you paid more in accumulated
speeding fines than you did for the entire holiday.
19. Your monthly car insurance is more than most of the people in SA's
car repayments.
20. What are stars?
21. You own hiking boots and a 4WD, neither of which have ever touched
dirt.
22. You have 20 different menus next to your phone.
23. SA south of the Vaal is vaguely theoretical to you.
24. You can carry R350 worth of groceries in one plastic bag.
25. You don't hear the gunfire anymore.
['nother classic submitted by Susanna]
-----------------------------------------------------------
A CHRISTMAS PARTY IN THE NEW SOUTH AFRICA
========================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 12
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at
the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of Oupa's mampoer
for free!
We'll also have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free
to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts
among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be
over R10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
========================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees 13
DATE: December
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still
celebrating Reconciliation Day.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
There will be no Christmas tree present and no Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
========================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table... You didn't sign your name!
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
table that reads "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchanges are allowed since the
union members feel that R10.00 is too much money and executives believe
R10.00 is very little for a gift.
NO GIFT EXCHANGES WILL BE ALLOWED!
Patty
========================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 15
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are!
I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan,
which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the
party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does
not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House
can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else
package everything for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag.
Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest
to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other (Yes, there will be a flower
arrangement for the Gay men's table). Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each will have their own table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing
allowed though!
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control
the salt used in the food, we suggest for those people with high blood
pressure to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant
cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
========================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 16
RE: HolidayParty
So December 22 marks the Summer Solstice... what do you expect me to do,
a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at the Grill House prohibit
the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees,
but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the
band's breaks.
Okay???
Patty
========================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
Date: December 17
RE: HolidayParty
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress
up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit." It's a tradition, folks, like boerewors at braais or broken
hearts on Valentine's Day.
Could we lighten up? Please?????????
Also the company has changed its mind in making a special announcement
at the gathering. You will get a notification by e-mail and in your
pay slip after we have discussed it with the unions.
Patty
========================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$ing Employees
DATE: December 19
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^ Holiday Party
I have no #%&*ing idea what the announcement is all about. What the
#&^!@ do I care ... I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!!
You change your e-mail address now and you're dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No
more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in
and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the
warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! Salad bar, including
hydroponic tomatoes. But you know they have feelings, too. Tomatoes
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right now! HA!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear
me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
The B I t c h from HELL!!!!!!!!
========================================================================
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 20
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards
to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to
cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
========================================================================
[Contributed by Mark]
-----------------------------------------------------------
Two men appeared in a South African court after they were unmasked
as bogus lawyers, having called a magistrate "your majesty" and asking
him to explain the term "previous convictions".
Goodman Mokoena and Moses Moloi fooled staff at the Katlehong Magistrate’s
Court south of Johannesburg when, dressed in black robes, they appeared
before the bench to represent a client charged with assault.
Mokoena told the court he was a lawyer and said Moloi was his assistant.
But the Johannesburg daily The Star reported that their cover wore thin
when Mokoena addressed the magistrate as "your majesty", instead of the
accepted title of "your honour". The twosome’s luck ran out completely
when Mokoena asked the magistrate what he meant by "previous convictions".
When the two failed to provide a business address, telling the magistrate
they had just moved, he had them arrested.
The two who turned out to be unemployed appeared in court charged with
impersonating legal officers. They both opted to have lawyers represent
them in their case.
[Ripped from the "Out of Africa International" newsletter]
-----------------------------------------------------------
Night in cell costs man his testicle
A man who was put in a police cell for the night for being
drunk in public has had one of his testicles bitten off in
an attack at a police station in George in the Western Cape.
Johan Badenhorst, 29, is now in hospital after doctors failed
to re-attach the bitten-off gonad. He said the man attacked him
while he was locked up in a police cell with seven other people
for public drunkenness.
The full story can be read at
http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?art_id=ct2002113019293582B420825&set_id=1&click_id=13&sf=.
A South African is drinking in a New York bar when his
cellphone rings. He hangs up - grinning from ear to ear -
and orders a round for the whole bar, announcing that his
wife just gave birth to a 12kg baby boy.
Nobody can believe the weight but the South African just
shrugs and says, "we make 'em big back home, okes". "My
boy's typically South African".
Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of "WOW"
are heard. One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the South African returns to the same bar.
Barman says, "We were going to call you, everyone's been
making bets as to how much your 12kg son weighs now."
The proud father answers that he now weighs 10kg's.
The barman, puzzled and concerned, asks, "What happened,
he already weighed 12kg on the day he was born?"
The South African father takes a slow swig from his long
neck Castle beer, wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans
over to the bartender and says " Had him circumcised, boet!"
--
[Contributed by Thomas]
-----------------------------------------------------------
After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists
found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years and came
to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network 1000 years ago.
So as not to be outdone, American scientists dug to 200m, and
headlines in the US newspapers read: "US scientists have found
traces of 2000 year old optical fibres and have concluded that
their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone
1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the South African press reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 500m, South African scientists have
found absolutely nothing. The government has concluded that 5000
years ago their ancestors were already using cellular phones due
to cable theft problems.
[Again, thanks to Peter for this new version...]
-----------------------------------------------------------
Officials of the New South African government have come to
realise that the current status of having 11 official languages in
the New South Africa is impractical.
A new language was thus introduced.
This is the English as it is now spoken on television and radio.
The recently published New Suth Effrican Deekshunry defines
these new weds. Here are some extracts and examples of their
usage in the official New Suth Effrican lungwich:
Bad - you sleep on it in the badroom
Beds - mossies, doves, sea-gulls etc
Beg - container, as in shopping beg, hend-beg, tog-beg
Ben - to set alight
Chealdren - our future is in their hands
Chetz - where worshippers go on Sundays
Cuds - you can play poker or rummy with them
Cut - a small donkey-drawn vehicle
Debben - city in KwaZulu Natal
Deekshunry - where you find weds
Detty - opposite of clean
Driva - holds the steering wheel of a teksi
Duck - very duck at night when the lights are all off
Ebben - you get ebben erriors and rural erriors
Effrican - from the continent of Africa
Erriors - districts, e.g. ebben erriors
Ewways - eg. SAA, Comair, Lufthansa etc
Fems - companies, e.g., Anglo-American
Fest - the one before second and third
Fok - used with nifes
Fum - you can fum with ship or kettle
Fumma - he owns the fum
Guddin - where you grow kebbijees
Geave - you MUST geave, I WILL take
Get - a hinged device in a fence
Hair - as opposed to heem
Heppi - state of elatement, e.g. I'm so heppi - I just voted
Hiss - masculine form of hairs
Hubba - where sheeps dock
Jems - little bugs that give you the flu
Kah - what you drive around in
Kebbijees - vegetable
Keptown - some think parliament doesn't belong there
Kettegry - in a system of classification
Kipper - one who kips, as in goal kipper
Kleenix - where nesses wek
Kot - where the judges sit
Len - to acquire knowledge
Leeda - as in Arwa Leeda, Mbeki the president
Lungwich - weds what are spokkin
Nesses - they wek in kleenix and hospitals
Pee pull - powa to da pee pull
Peppa - one way to get the news
Pesson - one of pee pull
Pees - symbolised by white dove
Pees-Tox - between IRA and Tony Blair
Reeva - e.g. Limpopo, Vaal, Orange
Regime - anything to describe pre-1994
Ree kwest - replaced by dee mands
Sheep - big boat
Shex - houses in squatter camps
Ship - provider of wool
Shuck-attak - if the shuck-net is brokkin
Shuck-nets - at Debben, for safety of sweemas
Spitch - what politicians make at a relly
Sweemas - compete in a sweeming pul
Teksi - kah for hire - sometimes parrot teksi
Thest - ice cold Coke will relieve it on a hot day
Tipic ally - characteristically
Tocks - negotiations
Ummy - military force
Wee men - ladies
We pon - a gun
Wean-dow - with glus for throwing bricks through
Weaner - the one with the most votes
Weds - what the dictionary is made up of
Wekkas - do the wek
Weld - the whole eth
Wems - small crawly creatures
[Thenks to Peter for this new weshan!]
-----------------------------------------------------------
Posts
All Comments
