Cape Flats Lullaby

Hush my laaitie don't you cry
Daddy's gonna steal you a GTi,
And if that GTi don't Torque
Another GTi, I will stalk.
And if the stalking don't go to well
Daddy's gonna steal you a Caravelle
And if that Caravelle makes some tricks
Daddy's gonna jack you a VR6.
And if that VR6 won't fly
Daddy's gonna knock a BM from a Sandton guy.
And if that BM's sound is kwaai
Da Lenz cherries will go with you to elke braai!
And if the cops ask why ?
Daddy will buy the docket from a Police spy!
And if all these things still make you cry
Then you're not my laaitie
........ your mom told me a lie !!

Wat noem jy iemand...

SA life expectancy worse than Iraq

November 14 2008 at 06:03AM

The life expectancy of South Africans is lower than the average in
Africa and that of war-ravaged Iraq, a UN Population Fund report showed.
The data is contained in a report on the state of the world population
in 2008 which was released by the United Nations Population Fund on Tuesday.
Beeld newspaper reported that, worldwide, men are expected to live until
65 and women until almost 70.
But in Africa, men are expected to live until 52 and women until 54.
In South Africa, the life expectancy for men is 49 and for women 50.
In Iraq, those figures are 58 and 62 for men and women respectively.
The report also showed that the number of illiterate South African men
is more than double than those in Zimbabwe.
Illiteracy among South African men over 15-years-old is 16 percent as
opposed to 7 percent in Zimbabwe, Beeld said. - Sapa

Onderbroekies

HALLO MA!!!

Baie dankies vir die oulike onderbroekies wat Ma vir my op die plaas uit
meelsakkies gemaak het. Die meeste van hulle het groot reaksie by die
"Gooste" hier by die varsity uitgelok.
Sannie het my onderbroekie heel aand net stip gesit en bekyk dis nou
daai een waar voorop staan "SELF-RAISING". Heel aand nie 'n oog verroer
nie. Sy het lateraand net gesê "Dit werkie !" Wat nie werkie, weet ek
nou noggie.
Maar Magriet het haar nou die aand geniet toe ek die een aangehad het
waar voorop staan " ROL DUN UIT" . Sy is 'n handvol en was nogal
plesierig. Maar jislaaik is sy nogal rats met daai ou klein handjies van
haar.
Al bogger-op wat ek nou nog nie kan verstaan nie, is die klap wat Berta
my gegee het gisteraand. Sy verstaan seker nie watse moeite dit is om so
'n plaasonderbroek te maak nie. Ek het net 'n uur gekuier en toe ek met
my ander onderbroek wou spog, haak sy af en klap my van die bed af. Ma
weet mos dis daai een waar in rooi staan "IDEAAL VIR VETKOEKE"
Weet nou nog nie wat haar storie was nie, sal hom maar eers bêre !
Any-way, Ma ,laat dit lekker gaan op die plaas !!
Van ou Pietie
xxxxx

Sipho in die hemel ...

Sipho kom by die hemel en sien hy is innie kak want alles is WIT.
Die mense is WIT, die engele is WIT, die wolke is WIT.
Petrus vra vir Sipho: "Wat's jou naam?"
Sipho dink vinnig en antwoord: "Leonardo De Caprio !"
Petrus lyk confused en roep vir Moses nader en vra hom: "Moses, het
die Titanic gebrand of gesink?"

Nosy cow!

By Oris Mnisi and Tshwareloeseng Mogakane

It was like the proverbial bull in a china shop when a cow ran wildly
through an Mpumalanga shopping centre with a small dog attached to her
snout.

Witnesses said the dog - possibly a mix between a terrier and a corgi,
or even a sausage dog - had latched onto the cow's nose after finding
her grazing in his owner's vegetable garden.

The beast kicked and mooed - and ran, with the dog attached to her
snout, through the Thulamahashe shopping complex.

"The cow was kicking and bulldozing almost every object in its way as it
ran through the shops. She was desperately trying to get rid of the dog,
but couldn't," said security guard Vusi Shabangu on Wednesday.

He said it was like a battle between David and Goliath, and the guards
had to lock themselves up in their office to escape the wrath of the cow.

"When we first saw the dog we thought it was a plastic bag, but when the
cow got closer we saw it was dog hanging tight while the cow was bleeding."

The cow ran mad, shattering glass and spilling blood all over the place.

The police were called to try to rescue the cow.

"Luckily, somebody knew where the dog came from and we called one of the
family members," said Mhala police spokesperson Constable Robert Makhubela.

The dog released the cow when it heard the family member's voice.

Makhubela said none of the tenants at the complex laid charges of
malicious damage to property.

Centre manager Nomsa Ngomane said damage amounted to over R2 000. -
African Eye News Service

This article was originally published on page 2 of The Star on November
06, 2008

Fwd: The most dangerous city... [summarised]

November 05 2008 at 06:51AM

By Louise Flanagan

You are more likely to die on the roads in Joburg than anywhere else in
South Africa, but Cape Town is the most unsafe city.

That's what this year's Medical Research Council report on
injury-related deaths reveals.

The National Injury Mortality Surveillance System (NIMSS) report is
produced every year and is based on information from mortuaries, state
forensic chemistry laboratories and courts. It counts non-natural deaths.

The report, released today, estimates that 43 out of every 100 000
people in Joburg died on the roads last year.

That means the chances of dying on the roads in Joburg are higher than
the chances of being murdered in Gauteng - police statistics estimated
that 38 people per 100 000 were murdered in the province last year.

"With an injury mortality rate of 144,9 deaths per 100 000 population,
as well as a violence rate of 63,5 per 100 000, Cape Town is the most
unsafe among the four largest cities," the report states.

Suicide rates are also highest in Joburg, at 14 per 100 000 people.

The police, using reported crimes nationwide, counted about 18 500
murders last year.

* *This article was originally published on page 3 of **The Star*
<http://www.thestar.co.za/>* on November 05, 2008 *

Alexandra's Rat

A rat recently killed in Alexandra near Sandton!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you been nailed lately?

We need your vote!

I usually don't pass along these 'add your name' lists, but this
one is too important.

To show your support for Jacob Zuma and encourage him on his run for
president, please add your name to the rapidly growing list below and
send it on.

1. Julius Malema
2. ..........

Incest in my food?

South African police in training

I feel much safer already...

Parrot oldies

An African walks into the doctor's with a parrot on his head...

The doctor says: "Okay, what can I do for you?"

And the parrot says: "Can you get this blackhead off my foot!?!"

********************************************************

Sipho walks into a bar in Bondi Beach, Australia with a parrot
on his shoulder.

Barman says: "That's awesome mate! Where did you get it from?"

The parrot says: "Africa... there's fucking millions of them!"

Fwd: Om te poep is nie 'n sonde nie....

Om te poep ...
is nie 'n sonde nie....
deur A G Visser

O, gonna ek hoop dis die einde van die kerk
Ek kan nie meer sit nie my maag wil werk
Die dominee praat lank en die son sit laag
Die vreeslikste pyne kruip rond in my maag

Eers word ek warm, en dan weer koud
Nog nooit in my lewe was ek al so benoud
Dominee, Dominee praat tog klaar
My rug trek krom die gort is gaar
Dit knal en dit kraak en my derms kreun
Toe los ek 'n poep wat die gallery laat dreun
Die mense kyk om en ek bloos my bloedrooi
Die skaamste van almal was Sannie, my nooi.

Die dominee bly stil sy oe omgedop
Die vrou agter my se hoed sit skeef op haar kop
Kort agter die hakke van die stereo klank
Volg die gemeente se reaksie op die vreeslike stank
Party begin te hoes, en ander te proes
Ander weer waai met sakdoeke woes
My oe traan, my kop die sak
Toe kom die vrees dat ek in my broek sal kak

Sowaar as wragtig net die volgende keer
Is dit toe presies wat moes gebeur
Ek dag dis 'n poep want die drukking is kwaai
Te laat besef ek dis 'n ander lawaai

Geskok na die gerommel soos 'n donderstorm
Kom ek agter die poep het 'n knopperige vorm
Die dominee bly stil en gluur my aan
'n ouderling begin woedend sy weg na my baan

Ek spring met mening op om weg te hol
Maar word teruggetrek deur 'n tienpond drol
Die ouderling kom nader sy arms bak
Ek skrik so groot dat ek 'n groter bol kak

My broek is nat en die pype staan wyd
so het ek my laas as kind beskyt
Die ouderling gryp my, ek kan nie beweeg
Toe maak ek vir 'spite' die res op hom leeg

Nou is hy woedend en soos 'n bees so sterk
Hy 'free wheel' my kop tussen my bene uit die kerk
My sinne word dof van die walglike reuk
Die 'cheek' om my kop tussen my bene te steek

My maag is so seer, my bene die knak
Al wat ek voel is die groot bol kak
Die ouderling steun en druk aan die bol
En druk die ding amper terug in my hol

Buite los hy my en storm na binne
Stadig herstel ek van my bedwelmde sinne
Die ding wat my sedertdien nog altyd verstom
Is hoe het ek die Sondag by die huis gekom

Een ding het ek van kerkgang geleer
As jou maag wil werk , sit naby die deur
En as jou derms begin draai en jou poephol blom
Sorg dat jy vinnig by die kakhuis kom.

.ooooooooOOOOOOOOOoooooooo.

Crash

What do Black people say after a car crash?
"EISH !!!"

White people?
"OH $HIT!!!"

Indian people?
"Ayo ama, the other car just jumped in front of my car!"

Coloured people?
"HOLD MY BEER... WATCH HOW I MOER THIS P@E$!!!!!"