Well, for some reason the BMW 530d just isn't selling too well in South
Africa.
Our intrepid investigators were dispatched and uncovered the reason
why... see http://home.arcor.de/hmvh/2005/448.htm
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a colourful
shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy:
"Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to
the Kingdom of heaven?"
The guy replies: "I'm Philemon Khumalo, taxi driver from Johannesburg,
Gauteng, South Africa."
Saint Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the taxi driver: "Take this silken robe and
golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's
now the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out: "I am Joseph
Snow, pastor of Saint Paul's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister: "Take this
cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and
he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached,
people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[From the archives]
TYPE COMPLAINTS /ALL > NUL
-----------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two farmers from Vryheid were debating about whether having sex is
hard work or pleasure, and they couldn't come up with one answer.
One of them decided to call Sipho and asked him the question,
"Is sex pleasure or hard work?"
After thinking deeply about this, Sipho replied "Sex is pleasure, Baas."
The farmer asked Sipho why he said so.
Sipho responded, "Eish, Baas, if sex was hard work you would have asked
me to do it for you!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Contributed by Peter Woods]
My opinions are my own and may change without prior notification...
-----------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I phoned a colleague in Cape Town and wanted to leave a message.
"Please ask him to phone me in Polokwane," I said.
"Where?" his secretary asked, sounding as if she had bitten into a
lemon, "Polokwane, where's that?"
"Between Mokopane and Makhado in Limpopo," I said.
"Where is that?" she asked patiently.
I could hear she thought she had a joker on the line.
"Well, "I explained, "you drive from Tshwane past Bela-Bela and
Modimolle through the tollgate. Continue past Mokopane but watch your
speed as speed traps make lots of money from those travelling too fast.
Polokwane is just after Mokopane but if you reach Makahado you have
gone too far." I wasn't sure how we'd ended up on the road route when
all I wanted was a telephone call.
"Just hold it right there, sir," she interrupted. "Where is Makhado?"
"Between Polokwane and Musina," I said, trying to be helpful.
"Excuse me, sir, but where is Musina?"
"Musina is between Makhado and Harare."
"Do you live in Harare?" she asked as if she'd suddenly seen the light.
"No," I said, "I am trying to explain where Polokwane is."
"In Zimbabwe?" she asked hopefully.
"No, in Limpopo," I corrected her.
She gave a helpless sigh and said: "Please can we start again."
I thought at this stage she might be thinking she was live on air with
Leon Schuster and she became a bit wary. "Where is Tshwane?"
"That's easy," I said, "between Bela-Bela and Egoli."
"No sir, I mean the town."
"So do I," said I, figuring she was now into soapies while I was still
on the road, so to speak.
"Egoli is on the other side of Tshwane when coming from the direction
of Bela-Bela," I said.
"Excuse me, have you perhaps had too much to drink?"
"No," I said, "I am not drunk. They changed the name."
"Do you mean someone has changed your name?"
"Not my name, the town's name."
"What town's name?"
"Pietersburg."
"You live in Pietersburg!" she cried with delight.
I could detect the dawn of understanding. "No," I said, "I live in
Polokwane, formerly known as Pietersburg."
"No shit?" she blurted.
"No shit!" I confirmed.
"So you're phoning from Polokwane previously known as Pietersburg?"
"Exactly."
"Now what were all the other names you mentioned?"
I realised the poor lass needed a lesson in the geography of our country
pretty quickly, so I explained: "Egoli is Johannesburg. Tshwane is
Pretoria. If you travel north you pass Bela-Bela, formerly Warmbaths,
after that Modimolle that was Nylstroom and Potgietersrust that is
Mokopane now. After Mokopane you get Polokwane that was Pietersburg,
then Louis Trichardt that became Makhado. After you have passed Makhado
you get Musina that was originally Messina."
"And Musina is by the Limpopo!" she exclaimed triumphantly.
"Yes," I said, "but the Limpopo I was speaking of is the province."
"What do you call the river then?"
"Limpopo," I said.
"Blerry hell!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Contributed by Peter Woods from Egoli]
Stress is when you wake up screaming and
you realise you haven't fallen asleep yet.
-----------------------------------------------------------
----------------- [ This advertising space for rent ] ------------------
Heard about the Winnebago driver who put on the cruise control so he can
go into the back and make a cup of coffee, and then won a million bucks
from the manufacturer when it crashed? Of course you have, and it's
a BOGUS story! Heard about the old woman who sued McDonalds after she
spilled hot coffee over herself? Yes, that's a true story! Her name is
Stella Liebeck, and now there's a book featuring all similarly idiotic
cases of libel! Order it from http://www.stellaawards.com/book.html
------------------------------------------------------------------------
We all know how newspaper editors and writers sensationalise what in
reality is a fairly mundane snippet of information. Headlines are often
purposely written in such a manner so as to incite emotion, if not just
some sort of curiosity, simply to attract a potential customer.
However, not unlike rumours and urban legends, there is usually an
interpretation of truth in the simple term referred to as a "headline",
making one wonder about the story behind that phrase.
What we have here are headlines - collected during the latter part of
the year 2000, and as seen posted on signboards, lamp posts, and traffic
lights (or "robots", if you will).
This is not only the bad news.
I have included the most interesting and amusing ones (well, to me,
at least!), and that includes good news too (at least there is some).
Items are listed chronologically [personal comments in brackets]:
5726 cops face criminal charges
Argus cyclist slain
Pitbull victim dies
FIFA fever banned
Snake threat for sex girls [I won't go there!]
Plan for social security
1000+ years for killer
Woman sought after cut penis [our own Ms. Bobbitt]
2 kids suffocate in fridge
SA Aids policy baffles world experts [much of SA baffles everyone!]
More cops for killer highway
Million won on TV: Pic
Crime boss found in shallow grave
Car chase in city wipes out family
Scores arrested in city crime blitz
Boys (11) take guns to school
Missile stolen from SANDF
Disco deaths: Revenge feared
ET goes to jail [did he get his phone call?]
Cops nab highway rock gang [rock throwers, not musicians]
Shock at fuel price increase [what did they expect - praise?]
City cops win case against mayor
Woman pulls plane
D-day for ET
R2,6-M for sacked official
Floods cost SA billions
R187 to fill a Corolla
Lottery heads for R12-M
Cop on shooting spree
Garages brace for fuel rush
6,000 at Bles funeral
Doctor killed for cellphone [what will doctors will kill for next -
stethoscopes?]
Porsche woman abducted
Woman's body parts hidden in freezer
Taxi fare shock
Mugabe legalises land grab
Editor charges minister
CIA warns Aids could kill off SA Elite [but only the rapists in power]
Brutal killings at city store
Mentally ill woman dies in cell
Teens in sex for sale shock
Stolen car traced to cop's home
Lotto winner in hiding
Oh, Hansie!
Cronje faces 4 years in jail
Security car mows down 5 women
Mom sells girl for R100
Woman stabbed 24 times
Zim farmer slain
"White farmers are our enemies"
Match-fix fever hits soccer
5 years for stealing dishcloth
Pretoria crash carnage
New sex laws
Hi-tech loafing at work [where are YOU reading this now?]
Heroic prisoner saves cop's life
Rapists jailed for 100 years
Pointless to shout at Mugabe - Mbeki
UFO balls: NASA to pay for damages
E-mail virus causes havoc
Rand climbs back from R7 a Dollar
Schools to teach self-defense
10 killed in taxi crash
PUTCO roadworthy shock
16 years for raping daughter
Court told of plot to kill ANC leaders
Mayor fakes death for money
Police shoot as schoolkids run riot [back to 1976...]
Not much has changed. Here we have a few headlines from 2005...
Kids burn grandpa to death
Pregnant woman axed to death
Woman raped three times
Shoot-out at Sandton hotel
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Partially from the private archives, and elsewhere]
"That's the trouble with reality - it's taken far too seriously"
Celebrate - An Emotional Fish, 1990
-----------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Affirmative Action EMPLOYMENT APPLICATION
- Department of Labour
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE ENTRANCE EXAM
Name: _____________________________ (optional)
1. What language does a Zulu Warrior speak? _______________
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions, OR
give the first or last name of Scot Scott. ________
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) Plow a field
___ (b) Build a boat
___ (c) Cook a meal
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY?
4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Catholic
___ (b) Other
(check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is the news at ten on, when the big hand is on the 12 and
the little hand is on the 10? ___
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) ___
8. What are people in Africa's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
___ (d) Italians
9. Spell: one, two and three -
one: __________________________________________
two: __________________________________________
three: __________________________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
__________________
__________________
__________________
__________________
__________________
11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) The Spar
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. Nkosi Sikelel' iAfrica is the National Anthem of what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-
give your age at birth: _____________________________
16. Where is the basement in a three-story building located?
17. Which Town in South Africa produces the most oranges?
___ (a) Laingsburg
___ (b) Beaufort West
___ (c) Colesburg
___ (d) CERES
18. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you
have? ____
19. What does S.A.B.C (South African Broadcasting Corporation)
stand for? ________________________________________
20. Computers were invented when? (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.
21. What is a gold coin made of? _______
22. Which of the following is NOT made from metal?
___ (a) An Anvil
___ (b) An electrical pylon
___ (c) A locomotive
___ (d) A pair of woollen socks
23. Who won World War 2? -OR- who came second? ________________________
24. What colour are the White Cliffs Of Dover? ________________________
25. How many lunch times are there in a four day working week? ___
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[From the archives]
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
-----------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Take out card.
2. Turn around to look at queue of already exasperated faces.
3. Insert card wrong way around.
4. Take out card.
5. Insert card wrong way up.
6. Take out card.
7. Try to force card in.
8. With assistance of helpful white hands, eventually insert card.
9. Cannot remember PIN number.
10. Machine spews out card.
11. Repeat steps 1-8.
12. Enter PIN number wrongly.
13. Repeat steps 1-8.
14. Enter PIN number.
15. Try to read instructions.
16. Time up; machine spews out card.
17. Repeat steps 1-14.
18. Follow instructions; hit wrong keys.
19. Repeat steps 1-18.
20. Look back at freaked-out queue with look of "don't mess with me,
I'm on African time" (x5).
21. Punch in "Withdraw R25,00".
22. Repeat steps 1-20.
23. Punch in "Withdraw R50,00".
24. Wrong account / account empty.
25. Step out of line to scrutinise card for long time.
26. Return at midnight with buddies to carry off ATM.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[From the archives]
I visited South Africa and all I got was robbed.
-----------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Research shows that guys no longer date girls working at ABSA because
they are always thinking "...today, tomorrow and together forever",
nor are they dating girls from FNB because they are always thinking
"...how can they help?", nor girls from Nedbank because they are very
"serious about your money".
Instead, they are now dating girls from Standard Bank because they are
"simpler, better and faster"!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Contributed by Peter Woods]
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer!
-----------------------------------------------------------
----------------- [ This advertising space for rent ] ------------------
Heard about the Winnebago driver who put on the cruise control so he can
go into the back and make a cup of coffee, and then won a million bucks
from the manufacturer when it crashed? Of course you have, and it's
a BOGUS story! Heard about the old woman who sued McDonalds after she
spilled hot coffee over herself? Yes, that's a true story! Her name is
Stella Liebeck, and now there's a book featuring all similarly idiotic
cases of libel! Order it from http://www.stellaawards.com/book.html
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A study was made recently in an effort to determine the average crime
rate at international airports around the world. The study made use of
an ordinary-looking man standing in the airport terminal, reading a
newspaper. He had an empty briefcase next to him which he would ignore.
Observers recorded how long it took for the briefcase to be snatched:
At Brussels the case was stolen within 4 minutes and 20 seconds.
At Washington DC it was stolen within 3 minutes and 16 seconds.
At Heathrow the briefcase was snatched in less than 2 minutes.
In New York, the case was stolen within 1 minute and 5 seconds.
At LAX it took just 43 seconds before the case was snatched.
The experiment was going to be conducted at Johannesburg International
Airport in South Africa as well, but the people conducting the study
were hijacked on the way there...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[From the archives]
It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.
-----------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's this Canadian man, and he's so fed up with all the ice and snow
that he decides to emigrate to a warmer climate.
So he packs his possessions into his car, straps his skis onto the roof,
and he decides to drive until someone asks him what his skis are. The
man figures that if people don't know what skis are, then there's little
chance of it being as cold and miserable as in Canada.
So off he goes. He drives and drives. He drives the whole way through
the States, right down through South America - yet nobody asks him what
his skis are. So he puts his car on a ship, and sails up to Asia.
He drives right through Asia - and nobody asks his what the skis are.
He continues driving through Europe, and then down through Africa -
but still nobody asks him what his skis strapped to the car's roof are!
Eventually he arrives at a petrol station outside Pietersburg, and the
attendant asks him "How, Baas, what is that on your roof?"
At long last! His quest is over, and in the next week he buys a house
from a nice family who are emigrating to Australia. He writes home to
his family, gives them his new address and tells them to sell everything
and come and join him in Pietersburg immediately. Unfortunately, with
the South Africa postal system being what it is, it takes several months
for the letter to arrive in Canada; but as soon as the family do get it,
they sell up everything and catch the first flight over to South Africa.
However, when they arrive at the address given in the letter, the
house is deserted. Everything which wasn't nailed down, (and quite
a few things that were) have been stolen, and several squatters have
taken up residence in the front garden.
While the family is standing around looking rather lost and confused,
they notice one of the neighbours enjoying a braai around the pool.
They call the neighbour over (they can't walk up to him because of the
electric fencing and the four rottweilers) and ask him if he knows what
had become of the Canadian who used to live next door.
"Ag well, you see," says the neighbour, "he lived there for about a
month and then one day, he packed some stuff into his car and just
drove off, and we haven't seen him since. And the strangest thing is,
when he drove off, he had a black man strapped to the roof of his car!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[From the archives]
One settler - one bulletin board!
-----------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
AFRIKAANSE MATRIEK EKSAMEN
Vraag 9a) VERTAAL IN ENGELS -
Net soos in die tyd van die Voortrekkers, het ek en my swaer, Jan,
ystervarke en stinkmuishonde gaan jag met die dubbelloop-haelgeweer.
Uiteindelik sien my swaer Jan 'n stinkmuishond, sit 'n patroon in die
loop, lê aan, trek los en daar lê die stinkmuishond, bene in die lug.
Net toe ons nader kom ruik ons hoe die stinkmuishond stink en hardloop
weg. My voet haak toe vas aan die wortel van 'n boom, ek slaan neer en
breek my sleutelbeen.
By die hoofpad uitgekom, staan daar 'n ou met 'n pap wiel. Hy vra toe of
ons weet waar hy 'n motorhawe kan kry om lug vir die agterwiel te bekom.
Van pure moedeloosheid bly sit ons net daar langs die pad.
ANTWOORD -
Just as in the time of the Frontpullers, me and my heavy, John, went to
shoot iron pigs and stink-mice-dogs with a dubble-walk-hailgun. At last
my heavy John saw a stink-mouse-dog, sits a pattern in the walk, lies
on, pulls loose and there lies the stink-mouse-dog, bones in the air.
Just as us come close, us smelt how the stink-mouse-dog stinks and runs
away quick. My foot hooks fast to the carrot of a tree, I fall down and
breaks my keybone.
As we came to the chiefroad, there stand an old with a porridge wheel.
He asks if us knows where he can get a motorharbour to get some sky for
his afterwheel.
From pure motherlessness stays us sits just there next to the road.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[From the archives]
Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
-----------------------------------------------------------
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