Randfontein, 1973
Late one Saturday afternoon, this black youth storms into a quiet corner
café, brandishing an AK-47 and screaming at the top of his lungs,
"Umkhonto we Sizwe! Umkhonto we Sizwe!"
Sannie, behind the till, is more puzzled than frightened.
"Umkhonto we Sizwe!" he shouts again, waving his 'traditional weapon'.
Sannie turns around and screams for Baas Piet.
Piet comes out from the back office and is confronted by another
"Umkhonto we Sizwe!" shout and Sannie's blank stare of confusion.
"Orrait, ek sien", he tells Sannie, "gee vir die ou 'n paar Chappies,
DIE KONT WIL SWEETS HÊ!"
Een dag vra Piet vir Jan: "Jissie Jan, hoekom het jy so baie kinders?"
Jan antwoord: "Ek weet nie wat om te maak nie, ek raak al mal van al die
kinders"
Piet: "Nou hoekom gebruik jy nie 'n kondoom nie?"
Jan: "'n Kondoom?"
Piet: "Ja, 'n kondoom. Gaan na die winkel toe en vra vir 'n paar Kondome."
Jan gaan winkel toe en daar staan 'n jong Engelse meisie agter die
toonbank. Jan vra: "Mag ek 'n kondoom kry, asseblief?"
Die meisie kyk hom so snaaks aan en sê: "Excuse me, sir! Could you
please speak English."
Jan staan en dink so 'n bietjie, want sy engels is nie so goed nie en
toe vra hy: "Can I like to have a can doom please?"
Die girl sê: "Is it for flying insects or for crawling insects?"
Jan antwoord: "Nee, is vir gewone SEKS!!"
-------------------------------
Sipho vra vir Bongani: "Waar is jou pa?"
"My pa het nou net gery. Hy het sy balaclava op en sy AK 47.
Ek dink hy het gou gaan geld trek!"
-------------------------------
Sipho: "Boss, I have problems with my vision.
I won't be coming to work."
Boss: "Why, what's the matter?"
Sipho: "Eish, I can't see myself working today."
-------------------------------
Sipho & Thabo at museum, looking at a mummy with "1227BC" written below.
Sipho: "What does that mean?"
Thabo: "Eish, must be the reg. no. of the taxi that killed him!"
-------------------------------
Piet vra Sipho: "So hoekom verkrag die swart man nie vir die koeli
vroumense nie?"
Sipho: "Eish! Want die houtkop bang vir die panic button op haar voorkop!"
-------------------------------
Sipho did not have R3000.00 to make personalized number plates, so he
took R150.00, went to Home Affairs and changed his name to MPB 187 GP
-------------------------------
-------------------------------
Vrou, met kurkprop in haar fanny: Dr, as ek die proppie uit haal dan
sing my paddatjie die bloubul lied.
Dokter: Moenie worry nie, baie dose doen dit!
-------------------------------
Hoe weet jy jou ginekoloog is swart ?
Hy doen 'n papsmeer met 'n houtlepel!
-------------------------------
Meraai sit wydsbeen op die sypaadjie in die son en bak. Polisieman vra
"Meraai, wat sit jy so?"
Sy se "Ek het sopas my huur betaal, maak die kwitansie droog."
-------------------------------
Juffrou se in biologie klas "Teken die vroulike geslagsdeel."
Sannie trek haar panty weg en kyk.
Jannie sien dit en skreeeeu: "Juffrou! Sannie krip!"
-------------------------------
Wat se 'n mens vir iemand wat sopas jou voortande uitgeslaan het?
JOU POETH!
-------------------------------
Koos arrives in England to watch rugby. He becomes ill and a Pommie
doctor tells him they have to remove his testicles, to which he
replies, "Not a fok!"
An Afrikaans doctor then came to Koos and said: "Koos, hulle moet jou
knaters uithaal!"
Koos: "Oraait, ek dog hulle soek my test tickets."
-------------------------------
Definisie van guts: Man wat laatnag dronk deur sy vrou met die besem
ingewag word en haar vra "Maak jy nog huisskoon of vlieg jy iewers heen,
skat?"
-------------------------------
Man is lus vir seks.
Vrou se: Ek het kopseer!
Man se: Jou gelukkige dag! Ek het my tottie nounet in grandpa gedoop!
Hoe soek jy dit skat? Mondelings of inwendig?
-------------------------------
Baas se aan blond: Jou brein sit tussen jou bene!!!
Blond bel Maandag en boek af siek vir 'n week.
Baas vra: Wat's fout?
Blond: Bloeding op die brein!!!!
-------------------------------
Dis oorlog en 'n man en sy vrou hardloop uit.
Sy vrou skreeu: My valstande is nog daar binne!
Haar man se "Fok die tande, hulle gooi bomme, nie toebroodjies nie!"
-------------------------------
Jannie: Juffrou ek dink my kat hakkel.
Juffrou: Hoe so Jannie?
Toe hy die hond sien, se hy Ffff...Fffff...Ffffff, en voor hy kon se
fokkof, toe byt die hond hom.
-------------------------------
Een blond aan ander: Sjoe, die laaste Evkom kragonderbreking was erg!
Ek het twee ure in 'n hysbak vasgesit.
Ander blond: Dis nog niks, ek het 6 ure op die roltrap gestaan!
-------------------------------
Wat noem jy 'n Indier in rolstoel?
Islam
En een in Weskoppies?
Ishmal
'n Netbal speler?
Abdul
In in krematorium?
Ibraaihim
Een met 'n aircon in sy kar?
Coolie!
Plaasseun stap kroeg binne met 'n volstruis onder die een arm en en 'n
toiletbak vol R100 note onder die ander.
Die kroegman vra: "En die?"
Seun: "My pa het gesê as jy girls soek, moet jy 'n groot voël en 'n
kakhuis vol geld hê."
The ANC Youth League has received a copy of Politics for Dummies,
hand-delivered to its offices at Luthuli House, decoratively tied with
red raffia.
The gift was sent by AfriForum Youth in reaction to ANC Youth League
president, Julius Malema's "radical and irresponsible" statements.
Malema had said the league would "crush" and "eliminate" anyone trying
to prevent Jacob Zuma becoming the country's next president.
"We'd like to see the Youth League being more cautious. We feel these
statements are not in the best interests of democracy," said AfriForum
Youth chairperson Ernst Roets.
Politics for Dummies is part of a series that purport to make difficult
subjects understandable.
"We feel the Youth League needs to be educated in some of the
fundamental principles of democracy. Yes, free speech is important, but
with that comes responsibilities," said Roets.
The book was presented to ANCYL media liaison officer Thandi Mokaba.
Afterwards, ANCYL national spokesperson Floyd Shivambu lashed out.
"We cannot be told how to speak by a group of racists who want to
protect white privileges at the expense of addressing the social and
economic conditions created by a racist regime," said Shivambu.
"I think they are a group of crazy, racist people. They're not in the
pursuit of democracy, they're in the pursuit of regressive regimes.
Since when does AfriForum know about democracy?" he said.
"If they want to speak to us, they must not come through backdoors, so
we're not even going to entertain that thing (the book)," said Shivambu.
* *This article was originally published on page 3 of **The Star*
<http://www.thestar.co.za/>* on September 17, 2008 *
The magistrate was scolding the accused: "This is the seventh time
in three years that you are appearing in front of me! I don't want to
see you in this court anymore, the next time I see you here I give you
life sentence! What do you have to say, for three years committing the
same offence and still coming to the same court?"
Accused: "Nee fok, your honour, stop releasing your frustration on me!
Jy kan mos nie vir my blame as jy nie 'n promotion kan kry nie! I also
don't want to see you in this court anymore, the next time I see you
here I lodge a complaint of incompetence, if you were competent you
would have effectively dealt with me and get yourself a promotion. Jy is
dom, for drie jaare in the same position and still struggling with the
same person."
On Monday ANC spokesperson Jesse Duarte said the cartoon was "vile,
crude and disgusting" and "the cartoon is a depiction of the dictatorial
nature of Mondli Makhanya (Sunday Times editor)".
She said: "He screams press freedom when he is attacked but misuses that
freedom every week. He tries to show that the new leadership of the ANC
will loot the country in the future."
Barely 24 hours after sentencing two South African Revenue Service
(Sars) officials and their accomplices to 15 years in jail for fraud, a
Pretoria magistrate was hijacked near the court's premises.
Dr Leavit Mkhanzi, a civil court magistrate, was robbed of his watch,
cellphone and BMW on Friday, just a day after he sentenced Sars
employees and their two accomplices to 15 years' imprisonment for
defrauding the taxman of nearly R500 000.
It is believed that Mkhanzi's vehicle was later found in Villieria,
thanks to a tracker system. However, the inside had been stripped of
everything.
* *This article was originally published on page 1 of **Pretoria
News* <http://www.pretorianews.co.za/>* on September 09, 2008 *
Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting
Bondi Beach, Australia . He spotted a long line of black dots out in the
water and said to an Aussie who was sitting close by, "Meneer, what are
all those little black things out there?"
"They're buoys," replied the Aussie.
"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"
"Holding up the shark net, mate," the Aussie told him.
"Fucking great country, this!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed.
"We'd never get away with that at home!"
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