'n Verkoopsman wat van deur tot deur loop, klop aan die soveelste deur.
'n Seuntjie, so agt jaar oud, maak die deur oop. Hy het hoëhak skoene,
visnet sykouse aan met bypassende kousophouers.
Rooi lippe en maskara en in sy een hand is 'n Martini en in die ander 'n
vet sigaar.
'Is jou mammie tuis, boeta?' vra die verkoopsman.
Die seuntjie kyk stip na hom vir twee sekondes en antwoord stadig...
'Lykit fokken so?!'
Copy of letter sent to media!
To whoever may give a damn?
Did you know?
1) The IEC and/or ANC do not really want me to vote in the elections.
2) Australia is virtually the same size as the United States of America!
3) Queensland, a State of Australia, is bigger than South Africa!
4) All South Africans wanting to vote in Australia, will only have one
voting station, and must travel to Canberra in the ACT state! The
consulate office is 30 km from where I live but Canberra is 938 km.
5) The 15th of April is a working day in Australia, so in order to vote
all voters (and I suppose their children, unless you can leave them at
home alone) must pay for the flight to Canberra and put in a days leave
(this includes all consular staff, based at more convienient locations
throughout Australia), but I'm sure the South African Tax payer will
sort out their expenses.
6) That 98.73 percent of South Africans residing in Australia, live
outside of Canberra, A C T State, but, then I suppose the ambassador to
Australia and his staff are ANC members!
7) The distance of other state capitals and large towns from Canberra
(Listed from largest population to Canberra which has the 8th largest
population in Australia)
City - Population - Distance - Estimated South African population
Sydney - 4 280 900 - 240 km - 80 000
Melbourne - 3 353 300 - 473 km - 66 000
Brisbane - 1 544 300 - 938 km - 38 000
Perth - 1 390 800 - 3102 km - 53 000
Adelaide - 1 130 100 - 967 km - 9000
Newcastle - 485 100 - 351 km - 5000
Gold Coast - 381 100 - 903 km - 5000
Canberra - 322700 - 0 km - 3227
Woolongong - 156200 - 179 km - 1560
These numbers are low as most statistics show the South Africans don't
officially emigrate – they just leave and become naturalised
Australians. Seems like the IEC and ANC either don't know their
geography or don't really care.
8) Prisoners will have more convienient polling stations than South
Africans working overseas, but then again they have more rights than the
average South African!
9) Most South Africans residing in Australia would not vote for the ANC!
10) There is nothing I can do about this, not even vote, so sorry fellow
South Africans, you got to live another 4 years with the thieves,
rapists, murderers, corruption and greed and the worst of Africa's
criminals, refugees and and despots.
"N'kosi Sikelele Afrika", you need all the help you can get!
DIE SPOOK DROL
Jy voel hom uitkom, maar wanneer jy kyk, is daar niks in die toilet nie.
DIE SKOON DROL
Jy voel hom uitkom, jy sien hom in die toilet, maar daar is niks op die
papier nie.
DIE NAT DROL
Die tipe waar jy jou gat 50 keer afvee, maar dit voel nogsteeds vuil,
dan moet jy toiletpapier in jou onderbroek sit sodat jy nie briekmerke
los nie.
DIE SECOND-WAVE DROL
Dit gebeur wanneer jy klaar is met die taak, jou broek tot by jou knieë
optrek en dan agterkom dat daar nog een oppad is.
DIE BARS-'N-AAR-IN-JOU-KOP DROL
Die tipe waar jy so hard druk om die bliksem uit te kry dat jy letterlik
'n hartaanval kry.
DIE BOOMSTOMP
Die tipe drol wat so groot is, dat jy te bang is om hom weg te spoel
sonder om hom eers in kleiner stukkies op te breek (Dit gebeur gewoonlik
wanneer jy by ander mense se huise is).
DIE FREE-FLOW-EXHAUST DROL
Die tipe wat so hard raas wanneer hy uitkom, dat die kakhuisdeur eintlik
rattle.
DIE MORNING-AFTER DROL
Die tipe drol wat die oggend na 'n heavy party uitkom. Sy bekendste
kenmerk is die briekmerke wat hy onder in die toilet los.
DIE MIELIE DROL
Die tipe drol waarin die mielies wat jy geëet het soos rosyntjies in 'n
muffin sit.
DIE EK-WENS-EK-KON DROL
Die tipe waar jy gedink het jy moet, maar al wat uitkom is 'n paar poepe.
DIE RUGBREEK DROL
Die tipe drol wat so seermaak wanneer hy uitkom, dat jy dink hy het jou
sideways verlaat.
DIE MICHAEL-SCHUMACHER DROL
Die tipe wat so vinnig uitkom, dat hy jou hele hol nat spat.
DIE HANG DROL
Hierdie drol weier eenvoudig net om uit te val, al is jy klaar. Jy hoop
maar net dat 'n paar skutte hom sal laat afbreek.
DIE GEDOG DROL
Jy't gedog jy gaan poep, toe kak jy in jou broek.
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Jacob Zuma".
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of "Jacob Zuma?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better?
Tomorrow we'll do Robert Mugabe and the day after that Julius Malema.
Economy
1. The rand was the best performing currency against the US Dollar
between 2002 and 2005 (Bloomberg Currency Scoreboard)
2. South Africa has 55,000 high net-wealth individuals holding at least
US$1million in financial assets (World Wealth Report 2008)
3. South Africa has the 27th biggest economy in the world, with a Gross
Domestic Product of US$254 billion (World Bank)
4. South Africa accounts for almost 25% of the GDP of the entire African
continent, with an economy more than twice the size of the second biggest –
Algeria. (World Bank)
5. Gauteng is South Africa's smallest province but produces 34% of South
Africa's Gross Domestic Product (Stats SA)
6. The JSE Securities Exchange is the 14th largest equities exchange in the
world, with a total market capitalisation of some R2.3 trillion (JSE)
7. More than 12,000 'Black Diamond' families (South Africa's new black middle
class) - or 50,000 people - are moving from the townships into the
suburbs of South Africa's metro areas every month (UCT Unilever Institute)
8. The black middle class grew by 30% in 2005, adding another 421,000
black adults to SA's middle-income layer and ramping up the black
population's share of SA's total middle class to almost a third. Between 2001
and 2004, there were 300,000 new black entrants to the middle class
(Financial Mail)
Infrastructure
1. South Africa generates two-thirds of Africa's electricity (Eskom)
2. South African power supplier provides the fourth cheapest electricity in
the world
3. Chris Hani-Baragwanath Hospital in Soweto is the biggest hospital in the
world
4. Durban is the largest port in Africa and the ninth largest in the world.
5. There are 39 million cell phone users in South Africa (International
Telecommunication Union)
Tourism
1. The number of tourists visiting South Africa has grown by 200%
since 1994, from 3 million to over 9 million in 2007 (Dept of Environment
and Tourism)
2. The Singita game reserve was voted the best hotel in the world by the
readers of a leading travel magazine (Conde Nast Traveller)
3. The world's best land-based whale-watching spot is located in
Hermanus in the Western Cape.
4. In 2002, South Africa was the world's fastest growing tourist
destination. In 2006, South Africa's tourism grew at three times the global
average.
Sport
1. South Africa hosts the largest timed cycle race in the world (the Cape Argus
Cycle Tour), the world's oldest and largest ultra-marathon (the Comrades
Marathon) and the world's largest open water swimming event (the
Midmar Mile).
2. South Africa will become the first African country to host the Soccer World
Cup in 2010 … and only the second country in the world to have hosted
the Cricket, Rugby and Soccer World Cups.
3. Since the 1940s, South African golfers have won more golf majors than
any other nation, apart from the United States.
4. In 1994, we won 11 medals in the Commonwealth Games. In 2002, we
won 46.
SA Teaching the World
1. South Africa houses one of the three largest telescopes in the world at
Sutherland in the Karoo
2. South Africa is the first, and to date the only, country to build nuclear
weapons and the voluntarily dismantle its entire nuclear weapons
programme
3. South Africa Constitution is widely regarded as being one of the most
progressive in the world, drawing from the experiences of the world's
most advanced democracies
4. The South African oil company Sasol has established the only commercially
viable oil-from-coal operations in the world.
5. Two of the world's most profoundly compassionate philosophies
originated in South Africa – Ubuntu (the belief in a universal bond of sharing
that connects all humanity) and Gandhi's notion of "passive resistance"
(Satyagraha), which he developed while living in South Africa.
Education
1. Almost a quarter of South Africa's non-interest budget is spent on
education
2. The University of South Africa UNISA is a pioneer of tertiary distance
education and is the largest correspondence university in the world
with 250,000 students.
3. Our learner to teacher ratio has improved from 1:50 in 1994 to 1:34 in
2004
4. South Africa's matric pass rate has improved from 49% in 1994 to 70% in
2004, but student's receiving university exemptions has remained at 18%
5. The first MBA programme outside of the United States was started by
the University of Pretoria in 1949.
Social
1. Over thirteen million South Africans (a quarter of the population) have
access to social grants (Department of Social Development)
2. Since 1994, 500 houses have been built each day for the poor and 1,000
houses per day have received electricity
3. Seventy percent of South Africa's population is urbanised
Environmental
1. The Kruger National Park supports the greatest variety of wildlife
species on the African continent
2. The Cango Caves near Oudsthoorn is the world's longest underground
cave sequence
3. South Africa is the only country to house an entire floral kingdom
(fynbos), one of only 6 on the planet
4. In 1991, South Africa became the first country in the world to protect the
Great White shark.
5. South Africa has the oldest meteor scar in the world, at the Vredefort
Dome near Parys. The scar is 2 billion years old.
6. South Africa has the 3rd highest level of biodiversity (SA Tourism)
7. The Cape Hyrax's (dassie) closest relative is the African elephant
8. South Africa has embraced the concept of trans-frontier 'peace parks',
linking ecological reserves across national borders
General
1. South Africa is the cradle of mankind
2. Afrikaans is the youngest official language in the world
3. The Western Deep Levels is the world's deepest mine at 3777 metres
4. South Africa has the world's largest deposits of gold, chromium, platinum
and manganese
5. The only street in the world to house two Nobel Peace Prize winners is
in Soweto. Nelson Mandela and Archbishop Desmond Tutu both have houses
in Vilakazi Street, Orlando West.
6. South Africa has the world's second oldest air force, established 1920.
7. South African Breweries (SABMiller) ranks as the second largest brewing
company in the world. It supplies up to 50% of China's beer.
8. South Africa has the second oldest film industry in the world
9. In 2007 South African businessman Cyril Ramaphosa was included in the
Time 100, an annual list, assembled by Time magazine, of the 100 most
influential people in the world
10. Cape Town has the fifth-best blue sky in the world, according to the UK's
National Physical Laboratory
Compiled by South Africa The Good News www.sagoodnews.co.za
Mar 17 2009 08:44:19:717PM
Ondersoek gaan gedoen word na 'n voorval toe drie vroue glo 'n dooie man
in Witbank, Mpumalanga, in 'n rolstoel in die poskantoor ingestoot het –
sodat hulle sy ongeskiktheidspensioen kan trek.
Die voorval het op 6 Maart by die hoofposkantoor in Paul Krugerstraat
gebeur. 'n Betroubare bron wat alles gadegeslaan het, maar nie genoem
wil word nie, het gesê dinge het uit die staanspoor "nie lekker gelyk nie".
Die man se kop het agteroor gehang en sy mond was wawyd oop, het die
bron gesê.
"Toe die vroue daarop gewys word dat die man darem uitsonderlik
ongemaklik moet wees, het een so ewe sy kop regop gehou – totdat dit uit
haar hande gegly en vooroor geval het."
Die man was om sy middellyf en bene met bande aan die rolstoel vasgebind.
Wat nog erger is, sê die bron, is dat die vroue die rolstoel by die
poskantoor geleen het.
Toe die klerke, wat toe al agtergekom het die man is dood, weier om sy
pensioen uit te betaal, het die vroue glo gepleit hulle het nie geld om
hom te begrawe nie.
'n Toesighouer by die pensioentoonbank het toe glo met 'n inkblokkie om
die toonbank geloop, die dooie se vingerafdruk op die uitbetalingsvorm
gesit en die R960 aan die vroue gegee.
Hulle het die lyk buite in 'n motor gelaai, die poskantoor se rolstoel
teruggebring en weggery.
Mnr. Senzeni Ngunbeni, woordvoerder van die South African Social
Security Agency (Sassa), sê die agentskap gaan beslis die saak ondersoek.
Hul kantoor in Witbank sal vandag al met die poskantoorowerhede, wat as
agentskap vir pensioenuitbetalings optree, skakel, het hy gesê.
*'Use it or lose it': 13/03/2009 11:49 - (SA) *
Pretoria - Agriculture and Land Affairs Minister Lulu Xingwana this week
put the "use it or lose it" principle to action and seized an ostrich
farm from land restitution beneficiaries.
"Land must be fully utilised... No farm must be allowed to lie fallow,"
Xingwana said in Hammanskraal outside Pretoria in a speech released to
the media on Friday.
She visited the ostrich farm on Wednesday and lamented its deterioration
since it was sold to the department in 2007 for R3.5m and then leased to
Phaphamang Ma-Africa for R168 000 per annum.
"Of the 77 ostriches originally on the farm, only 57 could be accounted
for. Several of the birds were limping and they were in a chronic
condition [and] would therefore probably not respond to treatment.
"This would consequently result in infertility. None of the birds have
bred since 2007," said Xingwana.
The previous owner gave the beneficiaries three months of training and
donated a bakkie, ostrich feed for two months, a tractor and several
other loose assets.
Equipment sold, tools missing
"In addition the group received about R70 000 from Metsweding District
Municipality to help them start the project," said Xingwana. "It is also
important to note that despite all these support systems, it is apparent
to me that the beneficiaries are not passionate about farming."
She said equipment had been sold, tools were missing and the once viable
restaurant had been stripped of all chairs and tables.
Xingwana said the department was now working with veterinarians to
improve the health of the ostriches who were "not being fed properly".
A broad-scale programme was under way to resuscitate the farm.
They had started fixing all fencing, removing sharp objects and covering
all exposed wires with piping to prevent injury.
They were making a list of all the ostriches' ages and sex for each of
the camps and to identify bullied birds that need to be herded into
another camp.
"As a matter of urgency we are looking for workers, preferably those
that worked the farm previously to assist in herding the birds."
She said criticism against the "use it or lose it" principle was
unfounded. "Those who are not committed to farming must be removed from
the allocated farm and be replaced by those who have a passion for
farming including agricultural cooperatives," said Xingwana.
"I would like to add that our objective is to ensure that 'emerging'
farmers do not stay 'emerging' for decades and centuries... If we
succeed in this, naturally a class of successful black farmers will
emerge."
Mugged in your driveway: Joburg's rich under siege
<http://www.thetimes.co.za/News/Article.aspx?id=959330>
But police say these robberies are not linked — and deny Rolex gang exists
At least four gangs are terrorising Johannesburg's wealthiest residents
— stripping them of their valuable jewellery and, in some cases, their
cars — in crimes branded "followed-home robberies". The gangs are slick:
the members dress well, drive top-of-the-range cars and even wear
expensive jewellery to allow them to blend in with their surroundings.
They are professional, able to recognise designer jewellery and
accessories — and they select their victims at Johannesburg's most
exclusive malls. One of the four gangs believed to be behind a spate of
attacks on some of South Africa's most powerful businessmen in the past
year A gang is dubbed the "Rolex Gang" : three men and two women who
drive a blue Jeep Cherokee and take only expensive designer jewellery in
"driveway" armed robberies. Another gang follows a similar modus
operandi, but two others go further: one gang takes the car; the other
takes the car and loots the house, too. The second gang operates in the
same manner, also taking only jewellery; The third gang takes the car
too; and The fourth gang goes inside the house to take whatever they
can as well.
Jakes de Jager, head of investigations at security company Core, said
the gangs had been staging "followed-home robberies" for two years.
He said it was believed that victims were identified at shopping centres
and followed until they reached home, where the gangs pounced. Conroy
Roberts of Top Security said the gangs targeted mostly shopping malls in
the northern suburbs of Johannesburg, including Hyde Park, Sandton and
Dunkeld West, where shops cater for affluent customers. He said the
members of the gangs were not ordinary criminals, but experts who could
identify valuable jewellery.
The security experts said the gangs drove luxury cars such as a BMW, the
Jeep Cherokee and a VW Touareg.
Since June last year, there have been at least nine incidents where
high-profile people were involved in robberies bearing the hallmarks of
a Rolex gang attack. Celebrity lawyer Billy Gundelfinger and his family
were beaten and robbed in their Sandhurst driveway in February, just
minutes after their neighbours suffered the same ordeal and, in July
last year, Discovery Holdings boss Adrian Gore and his family were
targeted twice within a few days. Official police statistics for Gauteng
show that robberies with aggravating circumstances were down by about
5000 in 2008, but in the Sandton police precinct — which includes some
of South Africa' s wealthiest suburbs — they increased by 5%. And
robberies at homes in this precinct increased from 343 in 2007 to 404 in
2008, although home robbery figures were down in the province. Admitting
that there had been a few "isolated" cases, Gauteng provincial police
spokesman Superintendent Eugene Opperman denied that specific gangs
carried out the robberies. Opperman said police crime intelligence had
found no "hard and fast" evidence that gangs were responsible for the
terror sprees. "You do get normal robbers that go around and steal
jewellery. We have not come across evidence to say there is a Rolex
gang," he said.
The way victims are chosen: The gangs pick out their victims at coffee
shops or grocery stores at shopping malls around the city, including
Rosebank, Sandton City, Melrose Arch, Hyde Park and Benmore Gardens.
Victims are usually identified by a "spotter" or "big guy". Apart from
identifying the victims from their jewellery, spotters also check their
shopping baskets. Ice-cream, meat, fresh fruit and vegetables indicate
that victims are more likely to go straight home. The gang then track
the victims home. "Once they identify a target, they will stick to that
target, " said Jakes de Jager, Core's head of investigations. Often
there is a second vehicle outside the house as back-up. — Karen van
Rooyen and Chandré Prince
How the gangs blend in and what they take: They are very professional,
resourceful, well trained and organised. The suspects are usually well
dressed, carry licensed firearms in case they are stopped, and drive
Audi Q7 s and BMW X5 s to blend into wealthy areas. "They wear Rolexes
and they may have legitimate connections," said Jakes de Jager, head of
investigations at Core. ) They identify their victims in two ways:
either by spotting them driving around the city or while waiting at
shopping centres. De Jager said they generally targeted women driving
alone but did not exclude men. The original Rolex gang, consisting of
three men and two women, used a blue Jeep Cherokee and took only
expensive designer jewellery in driveway armed robberies. A second gang
operates in the same manner, taking only jewellery, while a third gang
takes the car as well. The fourth gang goes inside the house and takes
whatever they can. De Jager said the gangs were generally made up of
four men: one stays in the car, another holds open the gate, while the
other two are involved in the actual attack. He said the more
experienced gangs would not harm their victims, while the younger gangs
were "more aggressive".
Don't be a target. Always be on the lookout for suspicious-looking
characters or vehicles (especially with tinted windows); approaching
your driveway, look out for suspicious vehicles or persons, and speed
away from perceived danger; Be observant and alert, and check your
mirrors regularly; Avoid public displays of wealth; and report any
suspicious activity to police.
Convicted fraudster Schabir Shaik has reportedly survived his first
night back in his luxury Durban mansion after serving 84 days of his
15-year prison sentence. Shaik's doctors have confirmed that he is in
the final stages of a terminal condition called "life", and that the
condition is irreversible. "We can only pray he makes it through the
next 30 years," said one.
Shaik's medical parole ended the former businessman's harrowing prison
ordeal, during which he spent 220 out of 304 days in a private hospital.
However Shaik's personal physician and longtime friend, Dr Kildare
Scott-Free, told journalists this morning that Shaik's prognosis was
"very grim".
"Prisoners only get medical parole if they are in the final stages of a
terminal condition," said Scott-Free.
"In Schabir's case, the ANC-approved parole board found that the
condition in question was an awful and debilitating disease that we in
the medical fraternity call 'life'."
He said that "life" had a zero-percent survival rate.
"Sufferers usually die within about 80 years of contracting the
condition," he explained.
He confirmed that Shaik had survived his first night back at home, but
that the condition had worsened slightly.
"Each day that goes past the sufferer loses about 24 hours," explained
Scott-Free.
"Last night it was touch and go," he said. "At one point he couldn't
find the remote for the plasma screen and his blood pressure shot up.
"But we managed to calm him down by showing him his latest bank statement."
Shaik recently received R5-million from the state as compensation for
interest lost when his assets were seized following his convictions.
However Scott-Free said that last night's emergency was a grim sign of
things to come.
"We can't always be there to give him the remote and remind him how rich
he is," he said.
"The outlook isn't good. I'm not sure Schabir will make it through the
next 30 years.
"This really is the end."
Meanwhile the ANC has denied that it fast-tracked Shaik's parole because
Jacob Zuma was running short of cash and needed "a little pick-me-up
until payday".
Die Engelsman wat nie Afrikaans verstaan nie gaan koop 'n perd by 'n
boer wat nie juis Engels kan praat nie.
"I want a good-looking horse," sê die Engelsman terwyl hulle na die
perdestalle stap.
Die boer wys na die eerste een. "This one looks good".
"No. That one over there looks much better to me," sê die Engelsman.
Die boer sê: "That one does not look so good. This one looks better."
"No, that one looks better", hou die Engelsman vol.
Hy koop die een waarvan hy hou. Twee dae later is hy woedend terug.
"The horse you sold me is blind!"
En die boer antwoord selfversekerd: "But I told you that one does not
look so good."
I dare you to visit Johannesburg, the city for softies.
It's the least frightening place on earth, yet everyone speaks of how
many times they've been killed that day
Every city needs a snappy one-word handle to pull in the tourists and
the investors. So, when you think of Paris, you think of love; when you
think of New York, you think of shopping; and when you think of London –
despite the best efforts of new Labour to steer you in the direction of
Darcus Howe – you think of beefeaters and Mrs Queen.
Rome has its architecture. Sydney has its bridge. Venice has its sewage
and Johannesburg has its crime. Yup, Jo'burg – the subject of this
morning's missive – is where you go if you want to be carjacked, shot,
stabbed, killed and eaten.
You could tell your mother you were going on a package holiday to Kabul,
with a stopover in Haiti and Detroit, and she wouldn't bat an eyelid.
But tell her you're going to Jo'burg and she'll be absolutely convinced
that you'll come home with no wallet, no watch and no head.
Jo'burg has a fearsome global reputation for being utterly terrifying, a
lawless Wild West frontier town paralysed by corruption and disease. But
I've spent quite a bit of time there over the past three years and I can
reveal that it's all nonsense.
If crime is so bad then how come, the other day, the front-page lead in
the city's main newspaper concerned the theft of a computer from one of
the local schools? I'm not joking.
The paper even ran a massive picture of the desk where the computer used
to sit. It was the least interesting picture I've ever seen in a
newspaper. But then it would be, because this was one of the least
interesting crimes.
"Pah," said the armed guard who'd been charged with escorting me each
day from my hotel to the Coca-Cola dome where I was performing a stage
version of Top Gear.
Quite why he was armed I have absolutely no idea, because all we passed
was garden centres and shops selling tropical fish tanks. Now I'm sorry,
but if it's true that the streets are a war zone, and you run the risk
of being shot every time you set foot outside your front door, then,
yes, I can see you might risk a trip to the shops for some food. But a
fish tank? An ornamental pot for your garden? It doesn't ring true.
Look Jo'burg up on Wikipedia and it tells you it's now one of the most
violent cities in the world . . . but it adds in brackets "citation
needed". That's like saying Gordon Brown is a two-eyed British genius
(citation needed).
Honestly? Johannesburg is Milton Keynes with thunderstorms. You go out.
You have a lovely ostrich. You drink some delicious wine and you walk
back to your hotel, all warm and comfy. It's the least frightening place
on earth. So why does every single person there wrap themselves up in
razor wire and fit their cars with flame-throwers and speak of how many
times they've been killed that day? What are they trying to prove?
Next year South Africa will play host to the football World Cup. The
opening and closing matches will be played in Jo'burg, and no one's
going to go if they think they will be stabbed.
The locals even seem to accept this, as at the new airport terminal only
six passport booths have been set aside for non-South African residents.
At first it's baffling. Why ruin the reputation of your city and risk
the success of the footballing World Cup to fuel a story that plainly
isn't true? There is no litter and no graffiti. I've sauntered through
Soweto on a number of occasions now, swinging a Nikon round my head,
with no effect. You stand more chance of being mugged in Monte Carlo.
Time and again I was told I could buy an AK47 for 100 rand – about £7.
But when I said, "Okay, let's go and get one", no one had the first idea
where to start looking. And they were even more clueless when I asked
about bullets.
As I bought yet another agreeable carved doll from yet another agreeable
black person, I wanted to ring up those idiots who compile surveys of
the best and worst places to live and say: "Why do you keep banging on
about Vancouver, you idiots? Jo'burg's way better."
Instead, however, I sat down and tried to work out why the locals paint
their city as the eighth circle of hell. And I think I have an answer.
It's because they want to save the lions in the Kruger National Park.
I promise I am not making this up. Every night, people in Mozambique
pack up their possessions and set off on foot through the Kruger for a
new life in the quiet, bougainvillea-lined streets of Jo'burg. And very
often these poor unfortunate souls are eaten by the big cats.
That, you may imagine, is bad news for the families of those who've been
devoured. But actually it's even worse for Johnny Lion. You see, a great
many people in Mozambique have Aids, and the fact is this: if you can
catch HIV from someone's blood or saliva during a bout of tender
love-making, you can be assured you will catch it if you wolf the person
down whole. Even if you are called Clarence and you have a mane.
At present, it's estimated that there are 2,000 lions in the Kruger
National Park and studies suggest 90% have feline Aids. Some vets
suggest the epidemic was started by lions eating the lungs of diseased
buffalos. But there are growing claims from experts in the field that,
actually, refugees are the biggest problem.
That's clearly the answer, then. Johannesburgians are telling the world
they live in a shit-hole to save their lions. That's the sort of people
they are. And so, if you are thinking about going to the World Cup next
year, don't hesitate.
The exchange rate's good, the food is superb, the weather's lovely and,
thanks to some serious economic self-sacrifice, Kruger is still full of
animals. The word, then, I'd choose to describe Jo'burg is "tranquil".
By Natasha Joseph
The department of home affairs is urging South Africans to contact its national call centre to find out if they're still alive.
That's because identity theft is taking a grisly new turn, with some fraudsters stealing ID numbers and personal information to register people as dead, in order to benefit from insurance policies.
In other instances, the "deceased" are guilty of colluding with doctors, police officers and their own friends and family, to con the department of home affairs and insurance companies, says departmental spokesperson Joseph Mohajane.
He said on Monday it was "a bit difficult" to say how often this sort of fraud was occurring, but confirmed that it was a national phenomenon which was probably coming to light more frequently, because people had just been involved in voter registration drives across the country.
He said some people were arriving at registration stations only to discover that their status on the national population register was "deceased".
This was the result of forged death certificates, Mohajane said, and underscored the need for people to keep their identity documents safe and not to give out personal details to anyone "for any reason".
"People are unaware that they've been declared dead by someone who wanted to use them for fraudulent activities," Mohajane said.
When a person dies, a form must be filled in by several people in order to notify the department of home affairs, he said.
This included the doctor or medical professional who examined the body and declared the person dead, the police in cases of accidental death, and a family member or close friend.
The next of kin or close friend must provide a thumbprint, and a print must also be made from the thumb of the dead person, he said.
That information is sent to the department for processing, and once all the data is captured in the department's databases, a person is listed as dead.
Mohajane said that in some cases of fraud, "one or two people (who have to fill in the form) may collude".
In other instances, corrupt officials from the department may be involved, he admitted.
"When we find out that someone has been declared dead while they're alive, the first thing we do is go back to their records and look at what's happened - we look for collusion," he said.
Those who find out that they're legally dead need not despair: the situation can be remedied within two weeks.
The first step is to obtain an affidavit from the police or a magistrate's court stating that you are alive.
Several forms, including a birth registration form, must then be filled out at your local home affairs office.
The file will then be handed to the police to begin a criminal investigation, he said.
· To check if you are listed as living or dead, call home affairs on 0800-60-11-90. It is hoping to have this facility available online soon.
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